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An open letter to Dirk Koetter

Atlanta Falcons v Jacksonville Jaguars Photo by Julio Aguilar/Getty Images

Hi Dirk,

You probably don’t remember me, but we ran into each other outside the Varsity Center in 2000. You were walking to your car eating an apple (that’s SO Dirk) and I was doing that half-jog half-walk thing from my car in the stadium lot to a class at the Multipurpose Building that had started 5 minutes prior. I remember us both thinking it was so crazy that I’d ran into you since I’d ran into Rod Jensen the day before at the Broadway Wendy’s. Anyway, I’ve been fine. Little concerned about Boise State and frankly, that’s why I’m writing this “open” letter. It’s “open” in the way that marriages are, by the way—one-sided and bound to end in tears.

So anyway, you’ve found yourself in an interesting predicament. You probably thought retirement was going to be a lot more golfing and woodworking and less appeasing blue and orange clad mobs with pitchforks and torches, but hey...I thought putting all my money into something called “LoggiaCoin” was a safe investment and now I’m selling pencils. By the way, if you need a good pencil, I have some really top-end Ticonderogas I just got in. Anyway, we can talk about that later. For now, maybe let’s stick to the Boise State offense.

I was at the home opener and was given quite a few notes from fellow fans in section 128. I told them I’d pass them on to the Boise State OC and since it looks like that’s you, I’ll just get right to it.

Score more points

The ponytailed guy in front of me that had had “4 or 5” Whiteclaws in the parking lot was quite adamant about this fact and I knew this was a point he’d want relayed to you. After thumbing through my favorite football strategy guide—Football the Hal Mumme Way—I learned that there are 3 ways to score in a football game, but touchdowns are by far the preferred method and the most consequential. Apparently, you just have to cross the goal line with the ball in your possession and they award you these points. Make sure it’s not your own goal line though, see “Rypien, Laramie” in the indices to find out why.

Don’t go backwards

Again, the guy in front of me was rather put out when this happened and underscored this point by stating (to anyone in a 20 yard radius) that “this is an [expletive] FCS team—my grandma could move the ball on them”. I later found out his grandma is Larry Csonka, so you know that’s true. These negative plays put us in bad 3rd down situations rather often...and oh, why am I telling coached Jameis Winston. Anyway, maybe get our guys to the edges, since running between the tackles is like running into a brick wall...with a much lower success rate than Kool-Aid Man.

Get creative

It’s been too long since we’ve seen trickeration at Boise State. That was kind of our thing for a while. Since you just started in this role, I can’t imagine the bag is too deep, but maybe one flea flicker for every 60 “couth plays” would do the trick. I also have been tinkering with a new spin on an old classic...I call it “Statue Right”. Ask me about this later.

Have fun

A wise sage named Houston Nutt once said repeatedly that the way to spell “Fun” is “W-I-N”. While this won’t get you far at the 2nd grade spelling bee, I think there is at least a nugget of wisdom there. Sure, people will have more fun when they aren’t getting punched in the mouth by teams from El Paso, but they’ll also have more fun when the players are having it. No one seems very loose on the offensive side of the ball and this is a game after all. Let them play to their strengths and perhaps we’ll see the ball “not go backwards” more often than not.

Anyway, these are just my thoughts. I like your visor. No need to write back...our brief meeting in Fall of 2000 let me know we’re the kind of pals that don’t need the communication to go both ways. Rod Jensen on the other hand is coming over later for pie.

Good luck and Go Broncos!

Your (best) friend,