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OBNUG Gets Fired

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end

Stock Pictures From Edmonton Photo by Artur Widak/NurPhoto via Getty Images

Scene: Boise Avenue DAIRY QUEEN interior

A visibly dejected OBNUG enters, sits in booth

OBNUG: (loudly) “Barkeep, make me a Choco Brownie Extreme Blizzard™”

DQ Employee: “Sir, you need to order at the counter”

OBNUG: “I’ve got a punch card. My Blizzards pay your salary!”

DQ Employee rolls their eyes

OBNUG: “Plus I got fired today, you know.”

DQ Employee makes a Blizzard™

OBNUG: “Outta nowhere. They just axed my entire website.”

DQ Employee flips Blizzard™ upside down briefly

OBNUG: “You know I won TWO Fiesta Bowls?”

DQ Employee: “You don’t look like Jeron Johnson, bud”

OBNUG: “Ok, I wasn’t a player, but I was important to the success of the team!”

DQ Employee: “Waterboy?”

OBNUG: “Uhh...less officially”

DQ Employee: “Booster?”

OBNUG: “Yeah, no, not that much money”

DQ Employee: “Season ticket holder?”

OBNUG: “No, I got in for free”

DQ Employee: “You’re not Dave Southorn, he got fired a while back”

OBNUG: “I’m kinda like him! I have a blog!”

DQ Employee: “BJ Rains?”

OBNUG: “Give me the damn Blizzard™”

OBNUG digs into the cool treat

BART HENDRICKS enters

BART: “Hi, I’d like a box of chocolate Dilly Bars, please”

DQ Employee: “Hold on, let me get some from the back”

OBNUG: “OH MY GOD ARE YOU THE GHOST OF SEASONS PAST?”

BART: “Why do you smell like tequila?”

OBNUG: “It’s ok, I rode my bike”

BART: “Mike Prater?”

OBNUG: “No, they don’t let me on the radio anymore”

BART: “Oh, hi Caves. My restraining order is still in effect after I get these Dilly Bars.”

OBNUG: “I used to write flowery retrospectives about you. You were the OG Goat!”

BART: “Why do I feel like this is leading up to Kellen?”

OBNUG: “You paved the way for Kellen!”

BART: “There it is.”

DQ Employee: “Here’s your Dilly Bars, sir”

BART: “Thanks, keep the change”

BART HENDRICKS pays and exits

DQ Employee: “Please stop harassing my customers”

OBNUG: “You are a terrible barkeep”

DQ Employee: “Not a bar!”

JARED ZABRANSKY enters

Z: “I’m Jared Zabransky. You can call me Z. These are my Jodhpurs.”

DQ Employee: “Why are you wearing Jodhpurs?”

Z: “IT’S PROVOCATIVE!”

DQ Employee: “They don’t leave anything to the imagination, do they?”

Z: “IT GETS THE PEOPLE GOIN!”

OBNUG: “I know you’re not the Ghost of Seasons Present, so the It’s A Wonderful Life thing I had going is breaking down.”

Z: “I want that ice cream cake”

DQ Employee: “That will be $35”

Z: “I’M JARED ZABRANSKY

DQ Employee: “Ok, it’s STILL $35

Z: “Wow, no respect in this town anymore”

DQ Employee: “Hopefully you can complete transactions better than passes”

OBNUG: “Hahaha I get that reference!”

Z: “This aggression will not stand, man! Jodhpurs OUT!”

JARED ZABRANSKY exits

OBNUG: “He’s kind of weird, isn’t he?”

DQ Employee: “You would know”

OBNUG: “Rude.”

CHRIS PETERSEN enters

OBNUG: “Holy ****, it’s you!”

CP: “You’re definitely not an OKG”

CHRIS PETERSEN rapidly exits

DQ Employee: “Ok, now you’re harassing my regulars!”

OBNUG: “HE COMES HERE REGULARLY??”

DQ Employee: “Usually buys like all our Dilly Bars and takes them to St. Lukes for the sick kids”

OBNUG: “I am so putting this on my blog”

DQ Employee: “Didn’t you just get fired from that?”

OBNUG: “Worst. Barkeep. Ever.”

DQ Employee: “This still isn’t a bar.”

ROBERT PRINCE and TIM PLOUGH enter

DQ Employee: “We have a no shirt, no shoes, no undefeated seasons, no service policy”

ROBERT PRINCE and TIM PLOUGH exit

OBNUG: “That’s kind of harsh.”

DQ Employee: “You should read Bronco Country.”

OBNUG: “Ouch.”

TAYLEN GREEN enters

OBNUG: “Ok, this is uncanny, it’s the Ghost of Seasons Future!”

DQ Employee: “I’m beginning to see why you got fired.”

OBNUG: “You can really stop bringing that up whenever”

TG: “Are you homeless?”

OBNUG: “I’m working on it.”

TG: “Hey, I’m proud of you man.”

TG gives OBNUG $5

OBNUG: “Wow, thanks!”

TG: “That was my ice cream money for this week, guess I’ll get another shot later. Bye guys.”

TAYLEN GREEN exits

DQ Employee: “You still owe me for the Blizzard™, buddy.”

OBNUG sullenly gives DQ Employee the $5

“Closing Time” by Semisonic comes on the radio

DQ Employee: “Wow, what are the odds, right when we’re closing”

OBNUG cries into their blizzard

OBNUG: “It’s like the end of an era, you know? We used to make Blog bets! And a Countdown!”

ANDY AVALOS peeks in the door

AA: “Hey, you guys still open?”

DQ Employee: “Nope, we’re only open 7-5”

DQ Employee gestures at OBNUG

ANDY AVALOS nods knowingly and exits

OBNUG: “Maybe I could start my own blog?”

DQ Employee: “That sounds like an amazing thing to go home and do right now”

OBNUG: “Hell yeah! The people need my takes!”

OBNUG exits

DQ Employee: “What a weird day”

DQ Manager: “Kellen, please go clean his table”

DQ Employee: “I told you to call me Gary when I have the mustache on!”

END