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Scene: Boise Avenue DAIRY QUEEN interior
A visibly dejected OBNUG enters, sits in booth
OBNUG: (loudly) “Barkeep, make me a Choco Brownie Extreme Blizzard™”
DQ Employee: “Sir, you need to order at the counter”
OBNUG: “I’ve got a punch card. My Blizzards pay your salary!”
DQ Employee rolls their eyes
OBNUG: “Plus I got fired today, you know.”
DQ Employee makes a Blizzard™
OBNUG: “Outta nowhere. They just axed my entire website.”
DQ Employee flips Blizzard™ upside down briefly
OBNUG: “You know I won TWO Fiesta Bowls?”
DQ Employee: “You don’t look like Jeron Johnson, bud”
OBNUG: “Ok, I wasn’t a player, but I was important to the success of the team!”
DQ Employee: “Waterboy?”
OBNUG: “Uhh...less officially”
DQ Employee: “Booster?”
OBNUG: “Yeah, no, not that much money”
DQ Employee: “Season ticket holder?”
OBNUG: “No, I got in for free”
DQ Employee: “You’re not Dave Southorn, he got fired a while back”
OBNUG: “I’m kinda like him! I have a blog!”
DQ Employee: “BJ Rains?”
OBNUG: “Give me the damn Blizzard™”
OBNUG digs into the cool treat
BART HENDRICKS enters
BART: “Hi, I’d like a box of chocolate Dilly Bars, please”
DQ Employee: “Hold on, let me get some from the back”
OBNUG: “OH MY GOD ARE YOU THE GHOST OF SEASONS PAST?”
BART: “Why do you smell like tequila?”
OBNUG: “It’s ok, I rode my bike”
BART: “Mike Prater?”
OBNUG: “No, they don’t let me on the radio anymore”
BART: “Oh, hi Caves. My restraining order is still in effect after I get these Dilly Bars.”
OBNUG: “I used to write flowery retrospectives about you. You were the OG Goat!”
BART: “Why do I feel like this is leading up to Kellen?”
OBNUG: “You paved the way for Kellen!”
BART: “There it is.”
DQ Employee: “Here’s your Dilly Bars, sir”
BART: “Thanks, keep the change”
BART HENDRICKS pays and exits
DQ Employee: “Please stop harassing my customers”
OBNUG: “You are a terrible barkeep”
DQ Employee: “Not a bar!”
JARED ZABRANSKY enters
Z: “I’m Jared Zabransky. You can call me Z. These are my Jodhpurs.”
DQ Employee: “Why are you wearing Jodhpurs?”
Z: “IT’S PROVOCATIVE!”
DQ Employee: “They don’t leave anything to the imagination, do they?”
Z: “IT GETS THE PEOPLE GOIN!”
OBNUG: “I know you’re not the Ghost of Seasons Present, so the It’s A Wonderful Life thing I had going is breaking down.”
Z: “I want that ice cream cake”
DQ Employee: “That will be $35”
Z: “I’M JARED ZABRANSKY”
DQ Employee: “Ok, it’s STILL $35”
Z: “Wow, no respect in this town anymore”
DQ Employee: “Hopefully you can complete transactions better than passes”
OBNUG: “Hahaha I get that reference!”
Z: “This aggression will not stand, man! Jodhpurs OUT!”
JARED ZABRANSKY exits
OBNUG: “He’s kind of weird, isn’t he?”
DQ Employee: “You would know”
OBNUG: “Rude.”
CHRIS PETERSEN enters
OBNUG: “Holy ****, it’s you!”
CP: “You’re definitely not an OKG”
CHRIS PETERSEN rapidly exits
DQ Employee: “Ok, now you’re harassing my regulars!”
OBNUG: “HE COMES HERE REGULARLY??”
DQ Employee: “Usually buys like all our Dilly Bars and takes them to St. Lukes for the sick kids”
OBNUG: “I am so putting this on my blog”
DQ Employee: “Didn’t you just get fired from that?”
OBNUG: “Worst. Barkeep. Ever.”
DQ Employee: “This still isn’t a bar.”
ROBERT PRINCE and TIM PLOUGH enter
DQ Employee: “We have a no shirt, no shoes, no undefeated seasons, no service policy”
ROBERT PRINCE and TIM PLOUGH exit
OBNUG: “That’s kind of harsh.”
DQ Employee: “You should read Bronco Country.”
OBNUG: “Ouch.”
TAYLEN GREEN enters
OBNUG: “Ok, this is uncanny, it’s the Ghost of Seasons Future!”
DQ Employee: “I’m beginning to see why you got fired.”
OBNUG: “You can really stop bringing that up whenever”
TG: “Are you homeless?”
OBNUG: “I’m working on it.”
TG: “Hey, I’m proud of you man.”
TG gives OBNUG $5
OBNUG: “Wow, thanks!”
TG: “That was my ice cream money for this week, guess I’ll get another shot later. Bye guys.”
TAYLEN GREEN exits
DQ Employee: “You still owe me for the Blizzard™, buddy.”
OBNUG sullenly gives DQ Employee the $5
“Closing Time” by Semisonic comes on the radio
DQ Employee: “Wow, what are the odds, right when we’re closing”
OBNUG cries into their blizzard
OBNUG: “It’s like the end of an era, you know? We used to make Blog bets! And a Countdown!”
ANDY AVALOS peeks in the door
AA: “Hey, you guys still open?”
DQ Employee: “Nope, we’re only open 7-5”
DQ Employee gestures at OBNUG
ANDY AVALOS nods knowingly and exits
OBNUG: “Maybe I could start my own blog?”
DQ Employee: “That sounds like an amazing thing to go home and do right now”
OBNUG: “Hell yeah! The people need my takes!”
OBNUG exits
DQ Employee: “What a weird day”
DQ Manager: “Kellen, please go clean his table”
DQ Employee: “I told you to call me Gary when I have the mustache on!”
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