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Hey, let’s roast Oregon State!

*Smith shown to scale

Oregon State v Oregon Photo by Tom Hauck/Getty Images

Many of you have grown accustomed to game week “Know your enemy” articles—my deep dive into our opponents’ quirky histories, unique environments, and creepy traditions. Well, considering that we have a slate of opponents that are largely the same each year, I’ve decided to sunset the OBNUG Komedy Klassic and instead focus on writing game week articles that involve a bit less intensive study and a lot more old-fashioned ridicule. This week’s opponent is the Oregon State Beavers...hmm, wonder where I’ll start?

The beavers. Yes, they’re named after a semi-aquatic rodent best known as a rude euphemism and for getting Cocker Spaniels out of muzzles

Okay, that second one is to their credit, but “Beaver” is also the nickname of one Theodore Cleaver, who as you recall was routinely “clobbered” by Eddie Haskell. Is that the strong persona you’d want representing your sports team? How about the fact that the Beavers school colors are orange and black and it stands to reason they lifted the former from the color of beavers’ teeth. Orange teeth? My neighbor does that gag with candy corn every year and it’s never funny, Ron!

Corvallis was originally called “Marysville” which even with shifting societal norms, I can tell you is a girls name. Boom, roasted.

The Beavers are led by 16-28 head coach Jonathan Smith. A coach so diminutive that when he was Chris Petersen’s quarterbacks coach at Boise State, they’d often hide his keys by putting them waaay up on top of the ottoman. Jonathan Smith? What are you, a 17th century colonial governor? Mike Jones wants his Guiness Record for Most Boring Name back.

The Beavers play football at Reser Stadium...named after purveyors of the worst macaroni salad money can buy. But don’t worry, the potato salad is much worse—leaving it on a picnic table in the hot sun could only improve that smooth flavor. I find it’s the only potato salad for the occasion when you’d rather not use your teeth.

Speaking of Reser Stadium, they hope to unveil a massive 150 foot wide jumbotron this weekend when the Broncos come to town...finish work has been hampered though by locals swinging by and trying to watch 90 Day Fiancee on it. On top of that, Coach Smith keeps losing the remote (it’s on top of the ottoman, coach).

The 1962 Heisman winner, Terry Baker, was a Beaver and it’s not hard to see why...he put up video game numbers. The video game? Superman 64. In today’s NIL era, I think Baker would have sparked a huge bidding war between Rogaine and Hair Club for Men.

Corvallis is so boring that the number one thing to do there, according to is “covered bridge”. I hear it just edged out “covered sidewalk” and “indoor plumbin’”. Who do you think you are, Madison County?

Oregon State employs a Turnover Chainsaw to mark the occasion of forcing one. Considering they were 57th in that particular category last season, I’d say COVERED BRIDGE can breathe a sigh of relief.

Dennis Erickson coached the Beavers to national prominence between 1999 and 2002 and yet a Jeff Garcia-led 49ers team still seemed preferable. Also, Dennis Erickson looks like if Emperor Palpatine lost the hood and instead slapped on a polo.

Fun fact: Beaver punter Luke Loechner single-handedly killed the Miles Teller Top Gun mustache renaissance of 2022.