The entire world has been forced to find ways to cope with the threat of the COVID-19 pandemic, and the Mountain West Conference is no exception. While things are still very much up in the air, the conference has been proactive in their attempts to plan and prepare for the return of organized sporting events.
Thanks to our intrepid reporters, we were able to gain access to a private Zoom video call between all the football coaches and the commissioner. Due to technical difficulties, we were not able to capture video or audio, but the following transcript is as accurate as we could get from memory:
MOUNTAIN WEST CONFERENCE PANDEMIC RESPONSE
FOOTBALL PLANNING MEETING
APRIL 20, 2020
CRAIG THOMPSON: Can everyone hear me ok?
BRYAN HARSIN: Loud and clear, but you need to adjust your webcam, we can only see your hair.
THOMPSON: adjusts webcam Is this better?
HARSIN: Well, that’s mostly your nose, but I guess that works.
CRAIG BOHL: Anybody mind if I have a glass of wine while we do this? I don’t usually drink at work, but I can tell this boogaloo is gonna be a disaster already.
THOMPSON’S NOSE: I just assumed we all drank during these meetings already?
BOHL: I admit nothing, except that this Chianti is delicious.
TROY CALHOUN: There is a serious lack of decorum involved in this setup. Also, are DeBoer and Gonzales even old enough to drink?
DANNY GONZALES: Back off, balding man.
KALEN DEBOER: Yeah, what he said.
ADDAZIO: CAN YOU DUDES HEAR ME? IS THIS THING ON? static
THOMPSON: Yes, hi, we can hear you Steve...
ADDAZIO: IS THAT CRAIG? WHERE ARE YOU, CRAIG? I’M IN THE BATHROOM.
THOMPSON: Steve, this is a video call, we can see that.
ADDAZIO: OH HELL DO I NEED TO PUT PANTS ON?
ADDAZIO: HONEY WHERE ARE MY PANTS?
CALHOUN: I hate this conference so much.
BRENT BRENNAN: Hi guys, we don’t have the budget for webcams, but I can see all of you! So happy to be involved! Hope you’re all doing well!
GARY ANDERSEN: Somebody mute him already.
THOMPSON: I don’t know how this works!
[ROLO has joined the call]
THOMPSON: Nick, this is a private call
NICK ROLOVICH: Sup nerds! I ordered pizza delivery for everyone from one of your local joints!
ROLOVICH: Kalen, nothing personal, but I got you guys frozen pizzas. It’s delivery AND DiGiornos! Fresno sucks!
[ROLO has left the call]
DEBOER: Pizza’s pizza, I guess.
THOMPSON: Ok, we’ve called this meeting to discuss options for football this fall. With the ongoing pandemic, there’s a potential we may not be able to have fans in attendance.
HARSIN: Well, that sucks for us, but business as usual for the West Division, am I right?
BRADY HOKE: We have tons of fans!
ANDERSEN: You don’t even have a stadium, Michigan Man.
HOKE: WE’RE WORKING ON IT!
THOMPSON: Be cool, guys. This is serious.
HARSIN: Let’s get this thing moving, I’m going on furlough in like twenty minutes.
THOMPSON: So, aside from no fans, anybody have some suggestions? There are no bad ideas, let’s brainstorm this.
ADDAZIO: MY FOOTBALL DUDES CAN JUST PLAY THROUGH THE PAIN! START IT UP LIKE NORMAL NO WORRIES!
THOMPSON: Ok, there are some bad ideas.
BOHL: What if we did like MLB and just took over a dome somewhere and played all our games in one location? Wall to wall programming every Saturday, and our boys can do remote schoolwork!
THOMPSON: I’m listening.
TODD GRAHAM: That’s crap! I didn’t take a job coaching Hawaii just to hang out on the mainland for an entire football season!
ANDERSEN: I thought that was your “dream job”, Todd.
GRAHAM: I LIKE BEACHES, OK?
MARCUS ARROYO: Maybe we could shack up in Vegas, and use the new Raider stadium on their off days?
THOMPSON: I’m liking this plan. Any issues we can think of?
ADDAZIO: MY WIFE SAYS I AM NOT ALLOWED TO STAY IN VEGAS FOR FOUR MONTHS STRAIGHT ANYMORE.
THOMPSON: You did that before?
ADDAZIO: IT WAS THE 80’S, WE HAD FUN.
BOHL: I don’t remember the 80’s like that.
ANDERSEN: He means the 1980’s, Craig, not 1880’s.
[GRITTY JAY has joined the call]
JAY NORVELL: Hey, sorry I’m late, the Starbucks near my house changed their wi-fi password again.
THOMPSON: Well, we’re talking about playing the entire season in Vegas.
NORVELL: Absolutely not. We can do it in Reno. We’re basically Vegas with mountains!
HARSIN: And meth.
ANDERSEN: And snow.
BOHL: And more garbage.
CALHOUN: And less sun.
ADDAZIO: AND BETTER TRUCK STOPS.
NORVELL: You guys just don’t have the grit to play here.
ARROYO: You’d have less grit if you’d brush your teeth once in a while.
THOMPSON: If you guys don’t stop, I’m handing out more suspensions from that brawl.
[ROLO has joined the call]
ROLOVICH: Sup nerds!
THOMPSON: Still a private meeting, Nick.
ROLOVICH: I sent everyone a new puppy to keep them company in quarantine! Nothing personal, Kalen, but I sent you a rat. FRESNO SUCKS!
[ROLO has left the call]
DEBOER: I’m naming it Master Splinter.
THOMPSON: Okay then. Any more suggestions?
ADDAZIO: WHAT IF WE DID IT LIKE MY DUDE DANA WHITE AND GOT A PRIVATE ISLAND TO HOST ALL THE GAMES? CALL IT “DUDE ISLAND”!
HARSIN: You can’t use my island.
THOMPSON: You have an island?
HARSIN: ... no.
BRADY HOKE: Neither do I! That buyout offer was just a lease, not a title!
BOHL: Are you guys still going? I made homemade pasta.
THOMPSON: Yes, we’re talking about a private football island.
ADDAZIO: DUDE ISLAND!
BOHL: Well, we can’t use mine.
THOMPSON: YOU TOO?
BOHL: Of course. North Dakota State had it as part of the base compensation package, but it’s only reachable by helicopter.
THOMPSON: Good lord.
ANDERSEN: I had to give mine back when I left Oregon State.
ADDAZIO: GUYS I GOTTA POOP, SO I AM SETTING THE TABLET DOWN.
THOMPSON: JUST LEAVE THE CALL, STEVE!
[ZOOM CALL CUTS OFF]
Clearly, the Mountain West Conference does not have a completed plan in place just yet, but rest assured their sharpest minds are working on it. OBNUG will continue to bring you updates as we get the scoop!