OBNUG SPECIAL REPORT: Inside the new Mountain West TV Deal

Despite all the rumors surrounding the new media rights deal for the Mountain West conference, and the subsequent fallout with Boise State, both the league and BSU have stayed relatively mum about the events that transpired this winter.

However, thanks to an unnamed source inside the Mountain West HQ (hi Bob!), OBNUG’s intrepid reporters were able to get their hands on recordings of what went down during the later stages of the new TV deal negotiation.

We’ve pieced together our audio into the transcripts below as best we can.

— TAPE BEGINS —

[COLORADO SPRINGS, COLORADO; DECEMBER 14TH, 2019; 2300 HOURS]

{OPEN Interior, MOUNTAIN WEST OFFICES; CRAIG THOMPSON sits at a table with MOUNTAIN WEST PRESIDENTS}

CRAIG: Gentlemen, thank you for coming.

UNLV PRESIDENT MEANA: Excuse you.

CSU PRESIDENT MCCONNELL: HEY!

UNM PRESIDENT STOKES: What the hell, Craig?

SDSU PRESIDENT DE LA TORRE: Honest to god, every single meeting.

USU PRESIDENT COCKETT: Right?

SJSU PRESIDENT PAPAZIAN: Ridiculous.

USAFA BRIGADIER GENERAL EDMONSON: I will fight you and your hairpiece, here or the skies!

CRAIG: AND LADIES, my bad!

UNLV MEANA: Damn right AND LADIES.

UNR PRESIDENT JOHNSON: You could just say “fellow Doctors”, Craig.

CRAIG: I don’t have a doctorate.

{ASSEMBLED PRESIDENTS CHUCKLE}

CRAIG: Hey, neither does Joyce!

CSU MCCONNELL: You wanna talk academics, bud? COLORADO STATE HAS-

EVERYONE: NO

CRAIG: ANYWAY, we’ve gathered here today to discuss a new TV rights agreement, As most of you know, we’ve almost closed on a new deal for more money.

UNR JOHNSON: Is Boise State still getting a bonus?

CRAIG: Well, they have their agreement that we renegotiated to $1.8 million per year, so that will probably continue.

UNR JOHNSON: Unacceptable.

CSU MCCONNELL: Just look at their academics.

UW THEOBALD: We could really use that money for new hitching posts on campus.

CRAIG: Well, it’s in their agreement.

SDSU DE LA TORRE: Pretty sure we didn’t sign anything. winks

CRAIG: Are you coming on to me?

SDSU DE LA TORRE: No you ass, I mean we didn’t sign the agreement. winks

CRAIG: Do you need eyedrops? I have some eyedrops, it gets awfully dry here.

SDSU DE LA TORRE: I MEAN WE IGNORE THE AGREEMENT BECAUSE TECHNICALLY WE DON’T LIKE THEM!

CRAIG: So that’s a no on eyedrops, then?

EVERYONE: NO EYEDROPS

CRAIG: Wait so we’re cutting Boise State’s bonus out of the deal?

EVERYONE: Yes

CRAIG: Guys, Tromp isn’t gonna love this. Who’s gonna tell her?

UNR JOHNSON: If you’ve got a doctorate, not it!

CSU MCCONNELL: I have academic stuff to do, also nose goes TOUCHES NOSE Suck it, Craig.

CRAIG: Awww I hate Doctor Not It.

UH PRESIDENT LASSNER: Honestly I’m just happy to be here! ROLO FOREVER!

[COLORADO SPRINGS, COLORADO; JANUARY 17TH, 2020; 1200 HOURS]

{Open INTERIOR, CRAIG THOMPSON’S OFFICE}

CRAIG: Gosh I love sandwich day. sings SANDWICH DAAAAAY IS FOR SANDWICHES opens lunch bag

INTERCOM: Mr. Thompson, I tried to stop her, but she won’t listen!

CRAIG: Stop who now?

[OFFICE DOOR bangs open, enter DR. MARLENE TROMP]

DR. TROMP: I may look like a simple girl from Wyoming, but I know when a huckster is trying to pump trash bonds.

CRAIG: Holy crap are those blue and orange cowboy boots?

TROMP: Don’t try to play me, Craig, I saw your little bit about this being our last sweet deal.

CRAIG: Look, you know I like you guys, but the other presidents...

TROMP: Do I look like somebody who gives a damn about the other presidents?

CRAIG: ...No?

TROMP: Wrong, I actually care deeply about their academic success for the future of students in the west.

CRAIG: Oh.

TROMP: BUT THEY CAN KEEP THEIR GRUBBY HANDS OFF OUR BONUS MONEY! We run this conference.

CRAIG: Yeah, but if you consider what you guys did in the WAC...

TROMP: Don’t play me, Craig.

CRAIG: But what about basketball? SDSU has...

TROMP: Craig, these are my ass-kicking boots.

CRAIG: OH MY GOD PLEASE DON’T HURT ME, JOYCE MCCONNELL MADE ME DO THIS.

TROMP: You really should work on your academics. Also, consider yourself served.

CRAIG: Hey wait, is this a lawsuit?

TROMP: Read the paper, Craig.

CRAIG: Can we not call it a lawsuit? I think my bonus gets affected if the league gets sued.

[COLORADO SPRINGS, COLORADO; FEBRUARY 6TH, 2020; 2100 HOURS]

{Open INTERIOR, MOUNTAIN WEST PRESS CONFERENCE}

CRAIG: And so to summarize, it was definitely not a lawsuit, and we’re still super best friends.

MEDIA: But it sure looked like a lawsuit.

CRAIG: It was definitely not a lawsuit.

MEDIA: ...

CRAIG: Also we settled it, so it’s like it never happened.

—TAPE ENDS—