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Blog Bet with Tomahawk Nation

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NCAA Football: Florida State at Boise State
Mahone’s got my back
Melina Myers-USA TODAY Sports

Many thanks to Jon Marchant who went along with this Q&A and BB. Unfortunately, he couldn’t get permission to post it on Tomahawk Nation. So here it is on OBNUG (and I’ll post a link on their site).

Kidney Stoned

INT BEDROOM DAY

OBNUG sits up in bed, catching up on episodes of LEGION with his WIFE. There are packed bags near his bed, and he wears Kellen Moore pajamas with a leather helmet nightcap.

OBNUG: Welp, I’m happy. This labor-day weekend is going to be filled with excitement! We’re going to watch the Bar-J Wranglers in Jackson Hole on Thursday, stay with your aunt that night, head over to my family reunion with the big slide on Friday (that our youngest likes so much),

and Boise State plays Florida State in Jacksonville on Saturday! It’s going to be the perfect weekend!

WIFE: Oh, didn’t you hear there’s a hurricane moving toward Jacksonville?

OBNUG: Yeah, but they wouldn’t cancel another game on us after that First Responder’s Bowl debacle.

WIFE: Hey, you’re right! They just moved it from a totally neutral site in Florida to Tallahassee, home of the Florida State University Seminoles!

OBNUG: Yaaaaaay. Not gonna derail my weekend, though.

WIFE: Also, what’s that pain in your right side.

OBNUG: What pai…

INT EMERGENCY ROOM DAY

OBNUG lies on a hospital bed, totally not crying, and probably not whining about wishing he was dead either.

WIFE (checking facebook): My sister-in-law says to drink coke and eat asparagus and your kidney stone will just magically disappear.

OBNUG: Right.

DOCTOR (entering room): Well, it’s a kidney stone, alright.

OBNUG (in a manly, not whining voice): Not again! Not this weekend!

DOCTOR: Well, since you lied about this being the worst pain you’ve ever experienced in your life and said you were only about at a 6 on the pain scale, we’re just going to prescribe you 12 pain pills over this extended weekend and give you this filter to pee-pee in. Good luck! (exits)

Title card: THAT WEEKEND

INT OBNUG’s REAL WORK DAY

OBNUG limps into his BOSS’s office.

OBNUG: Hey, I’m here to sign my timecard, and then I’m outski.

BOSS: Whoa, you look like two buckets of rat crap.

OBNUG: Yeah, still haven’t passed any kidney stones.

BOSS: No, I mean you totally look like a transient with the bubonic plague.

OBNUG: Umm, okay.

BOSS: Almost like a zombie wishing he were back underground. Like a wet fart in old slacks. Like someone set fire to a garbage barge.

OBNUG: Okay, bye!

EXT BAR-J RANCH NIGHT

The BAR-J WRANGLERS put on a fantastic show with humor, music, and good, old-fashioned chuck wagon grub.

OBNUG: Uhhhhhhh.

ONE OF OBNUG’s TEENS: Hey dad, you gonna eat that?

OBNUG: Uhnnnnnn…

Open season begins on OBNUG’s plate.

WIFE: Oh, so my aunt says she’s hosting someone tonight and we’ll have to find someplace else to sleep. There should be some last-minute vacancies at hotels on Labor-Day weekend willing to accommodate seven people for a reasonable price.

OBNUG: Ughh-h-h-h.

EXT LODGE DAY

The OBNUG family arrives at the family reunion lodge the next day. The one with the big slide that the youngest likes so much.

SOMEONE WHOSE NAME I SHOULD KNOW: Hey, cousin! I noticed your Boise State shirt! Should be an exciting game today, huh?

OBNUG: I have a kidney stone.

SOMEONE: Hey, have you drunk a two liter of Coke yet?

OBNUG: Actually, that’s an old wife’s tale. Depending on if your stones are more acidic or alkaline, drinking soda might actually be adding to them instead of breaking them down. And they’re not smooth like people think when they hear the word “stones,” they’re more like goat heads practicing their butterfly knife routine.

SOMEONE: Yep. Good luck to your Broncos! (exits)

OBNUG (yelling after him): Don’t tell me any scores! I’ve got it recording on Youtube TV!

INT BATHROOM DAY

OBNUG stands over the toilet with a filter, shaking, and probably TMI for this family blog. His WIFE stands at his side—but not really—for the sake of an explanatory dialogue.

WIFE: Anything yet?

OBNUG: Well, I can tell it’s passed down the ureter and into the bladder, so I’d say only about another twelve inches or so.

WIFE: Or one or two. You forget who you wrote into this dialogue with you.

OBNUG: Hey, we have five kids! It’s not the wand, it’s the wizard waving it!

WIFE: Whatever. Let me know if something happens. What are you dilated to?

OBNUG: About a zero.

WIFE (excitedly): It’s crowning!

OBNUG: Yay.

INT CAR DAY

OBNUG sits in his minivan at 12 Eastern/10 Mountain, checking every radio station for the game, with no luck. Excruciating pain hits in his back. ANOTHER COUSIN walks by.

ANOTHER COUSIN: Hey, why the sex noises?

OBNUG: I just found out I’m having twins!

ANOTHER COUSIN: Hey, everyone, come on over! OBNUG is going to have twins!

OBNUG: I’m talking about kidney stones.

EVERYONE: Have you tried drinking Coke yet?

THEIR DOG: Don’t forget the asparagus!

EXT LODGE DAY

OBNUG is out of painkillers and cellphone range. No word on the outcome of the game. As his angel WIFE helps him out to the car, his NEPHEW drives up the canyon and exits his car.

NEPHEW (pointing at OBNUG’s Boise State shirt): Hey, did you hear about the game?

OBNUG (covering ears): Lalalalalalaowowowlalalalala!

WIFE: He doesn’t want to spoil it. He’s waiting until he can watch it on Youtube TV.

OBNUG: My five-day trial is up on Monday, and I’m writing this to remind me to cancel it before they charge fifty bucks. HolycrapIwishIwasdead.

NEPHEW: What’s up with him?

WIFE: He’s got another kidney stone. I’m going to drive him into urgent care to get another prescription of painkillers before they’re closed FOREVER.

NEPHEW: Hey, has he tried…

The minivan peels out, heading to town.

INT MINIVAN DAY

OBNUG rides along with his WIFE. As they get into range, he pulls out her phone.

WIFE: Oh, good idea… see what time the urgent care closes.

OBNUG (looking at her sideways): Siri, open Youtube TV and start the Boise State Florida State game.

SIRI: Boise State wins in a close one, 36 to 31.

OBNUG: Dag nabbit. Yes-s-s-s!