OBNUG was recently not invited to a dedication ceremony for the New Blue turf installation, but we showed up anyway thanks to some careless email forwarding by the Boise State Sports Information Department. Our intrepid reporter had his tape recorder running for the whole ceremony. Instead of putting our own spin on it, a transcript of what transpired from tape is below.
[Lyle Smith Field, Midnight, May 17th, 2019. A slight drizzle dampens the darkness.]
BRYAN HARSIN: We are gathered here tonight to dedicate the New Blue, and to imbue it with the dark magic witchcraft that makes us strong and ageless. Does everyone have their contribution?
SHADOWY FIGURES: all nod solemnly
OBNUG: Are we late? Did you guys start already?
HARSIN: I thought I told the SID to NOT let these guys come.
CURT APSEY: Look, I’m not pointing fingers, but you sent that email to the entire “Media” list.
OBNUG: We have a press pass! And sometimes parking passes!
HARSIN: Whatever. Let’s continue. Bring forth the first sacrament!
[a shadowy figure steps forward, revealing itself to be PAUL J]
PAUL J: I bring something old, to remind us to embrace the past and those who have gone before.
[PAUL J takes off one shoe, and dumps the rubber pellets inside onto the new field surface]
PAUL J: These shoes have walked on every previous incarnation of the Blue, and I give the remnants of those footsteps to the New Blue.
SHADOWY FIGURES: (together) MAY THE BLUE GUIDE OUR STEPS TRUE, AND TRIP OUR OPPONENTS
[PAUL J steps back into the shadows]
HARSIN; shakes rubber pellets off shoes Thank you, Paul J. Bring forth the Next sacrament!
[another shadowy figure steps forward, revealing itself to be Dr. Marlene Tromp]
DR. TROMP: It’s so great to be here and build school spirit! I bring something new, to remind us to attack the future!
[DR. TROMP produces a copy of the University of Idaho’s FCS certification and a lighter]
DR. TROMP: This paper reminds us to constantly attack, and take no prisoners. Dr. Tromp flourishes a lighter, and burns the paper
SHADOWY FIGURES: (together) SUCK ON THAT STREAK, VANDALS
HARSIN: I like your style, boss. NEXT SACRAMENT!
[a shadowy figure steps forward, revealing itself to be Bart Hendricks]
HENDRICKS: I bring something borrowed, to remind us our throne is never secure, and must be watered periodically
[HENDRICKS hefts a water cooler bottle over his shoulder, uncorks it, and pours the contents on the turf]
HENDRICKS: These Colorado State Ram Tears remind us that we must punish our opponents yearly, in the most brutal ways possible.
SHADOWY FIGURES: (together) CRY US A RIVER, NERDS
HARSIN: Are those real CSU tears, Bart? How did you get those?
HENDRICKS: Do you really want to know?
HARSIN: Uh. No, I do not. Next sacrament!
[a shadowy figure struts forward, revealing itself to be THE BSU PIMP]
BSU PIMP: Hey there cool cats, I bring something blue, to remind us to live life WITH STYLE!
[BSU PIMP whips out a huge bundle of blue beads, and heaves them into the air]
BSU PIMP: These beads remind us to be awesome, campy, and never boring! Football with flair, baby!
SHADOWY FIGURES: (together) YEAH BABY
HARSIN: We’re gonna need to clean those up before Garth gets here to set up. Who has the last sacrament?
[three shadowy figures step forward, revealing themselves to be DIRK KOETTER, DAN HAWKINS, and CHRIS PETERSEN]
KOETTER: We represent the brotherhood of The BSU Way.
HAWKINS: Each of us brought an integral piece to the program before moving on.
PETERSEN: Now we each bring something back to continue the legacy.
[all three pull something out of their respective robes]
KOETTER: I bring the Hope of Victory! May we never lose the faith!
SHADOWY FIGURES: (together) WE BELIEVE!
HAWKINS: I bring the Will of the Unbroken! Would Pokey Allen take a knee?
SHADOWY FIGURES: (together) NEITHER WOULD GANDHI!
PETERSEN: I bring the Spirit of the Fiesta! Never forget to enjoy what we earn!
SHADOWY FIGURES: (together) THREE TIMES!
[all three pour out obscured vials onto the turf]
OBNUG: Is there gonna be much more pouring of stuff? Because I wore sandals.
HARSIN: Deal with it.
OBNUG: It’s cool, just saying it’s kinda getting slippery and I don’t like how Hawkin’s vial of stuff smelled.
HARSIN: Whatever. We’re almost done.
[HARSIN pulls out an urn]
HARSIN: I bring the ashes of Lyle Smith, namesake of this field, father of Bronco Football, and the first convert to turn from the dark side of the Vandals. May he rest in peace, forever aggravating our enemies.
[HARSIN upends urn onto the field, emitting a cloud of ashes]
OBNUG: Oh gross, I got Lyle in my mouth!
HARSIN: Seriously, just shut up, we’re having a moment.
OBNUG: My mouth is gritty. Is that symbolism?