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Update on the Defensive Coordinator Search

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Our intrepid OBNUG reporter brings you the spicy insider details

SERVPRO First Responder Bowl - Boston College v Boise State Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images

[SCENE: BOISE STATE FOOTBALL OFFICES, CONFERENCE ROOM 1B]

[“ALL BY MYSELF” by Celine Dion blares over the PA]

[A GROUP OF PEOPLE SITS AROUND A CONFERENCE TABLE, SHROUDED IN DARKNESS]

CURT APSEY: Hello, everyone. I have called this meeting of the Bronco SuperFriends in order to resolve our latest crisis.

LEON RICE: Look, I’m telling you guys next season is gonna be WAY better…

APSEY: No, Leon, I mean football crisis. We’ve lost Coach Avalos to the Evil Empire.

DAVID AUGUSTO: Holy crap, KTVB hired him?

APSEY: What? No, the University of Oregon. Who let you in here anyway?

AUGUSTO: Can I interest any of you in some fine rugs for your offices?

APSEY: Get out.

[SECURITY escorts AUGUSTO from the building]

APSEY: Ok then. Any ideas on how to fix this? Hars is in a bad way.

[“One is the Loneliest Number” by Three Dog Night comes on over the PA]

DIRK KOETTER: What he needs is to hire is somebody with NFL experience

APSEY: Like Kyle Wilson?

KOETTER: Maybe more experienced

APSEY: Quentin Mikell?

KOETTER: Like, coaching experience

APSEY: Gerald Alexander?

KOETTER: No, like coached in the NFL!

APSEY: I don’t think Kellen wants to coach defense for us, Dirk.

KOETTER: exasperated sigh

[“Without Me” by Halsey starts to play on the PA]

APSEY: This is getting serious, guys

BOB KUSTRA: Can we call Wilcox about the opening? He seems like he’s doing pretty well.

APSEY: I don’t think we can afford him, Bob.

KUSTRA: Just cut one of the stupid sports and use the savings for his salary. Who even watches tennis?

APSEY: rubs temples

KUSTRA: It’s a proven formula!

APSEY: I’ll think about it. Any other ideas?

DIRK KEMPTHORNE: What if we thought outside the box, and hired somebody without a Boise State background? Bring in some new blood!

APSEY: Oh boy. Who’s on your mind, Dirk?

KEMPTHORNE: I know for a fact that Robb Akey is an amazing defensive mind.

IAN JOHNSON: Hell no, man, that dude is corny.

KEMPTHORNE: Well, I know this gentleman named John L. Smith who would be a bargain hire…

[EVERYONE]: NO.

KEMPTHORNE: Wow, rough crowd. Well, I think I saved the best potential hire for last. He’s a really successful coach in college and the pros, and he’s a great defensive mind!

APSEY: Don’t do this, Dirk.

KEMPTHORNE: Chris Tormey! He could Make Idaho Great Again!

[hush falls over the conference room]

[enter RIPPED JEFF CAVES]

RIPPED JEFF CAVES: I’M GONNA SHOW YOU HOW TO TREAT A MAN WHO MENTIONS CHRIS TORMEY

[JEFF CAVES lifts DIRK KEMPTHORNE over his head, and chucks him out of the conference room]

RIPPED JEFF CAVES: FOOTHILLS MED SPA WON’T DISRESPECT POKEY ALLEN. GOOD DAY, GENTLEMEN.

[RIPPED JEFF CAVES exits]

APSEY: You know, this hasn’t exactly gone how I saw it happening in my head.

[“Lonely” by Akon bumps over the PA]

KOETTER: Look, I know you have some phone calls to make, but here’s my card and I’ll fax you my resume just in case you need any help.

[DIRK KOETTER exits]

APSEY: Nobody tell him we got rid of the fax machine.

KUSTRA: Are we 100% sure we can’t call Wilcox? How about Kellen Moore, he’s popular!

APSEY: You’re retired, Bob, go be retired.

KUSTRA: All I’m saying is we’re an Urban Research University of Distinction, and I expect us to make an Athletic Program Coach of Distinction hire!

APSEY: All over it, Bob.

[BOB KUSTRA exits]

IAN JOHNSON: You need to make an unexpected call. The Statue Left of hiring decisions.

APSEY: groans

IAN JOHNSON: Maybe give Antonio Pierce a call. I bet Deandre has his number.

APSEY: Actually, that’s not a bad idea.

IAN JOHNSON: You know what else is a good idea? Life insurance.

APSEY: Meeting over.

[EVERYONE EXITS]

[“Boulevard of Broken Dreams” comes on over the PA]

[a bleary-eyed BRYAN HARSIN wanders in]

BRYAN HARSIN: Andy leaves, the quarterbacks are battling, and now my conference room smells like Bengay. COULD THIS SPRING GET ANY WORSE?

[DAVE SOUTHORN pops up from under the table]

HARSIN: does Gatorade spit-take

DAVE SOUTHORN: Hey, how about open practices and player interviews, coach?

HARSIN: SECURITY!

[FIN]