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[SCENE: BOISE STATE FOOTBALL OFFICES, CONFERENCE ROOM 1B]
[“ALL BY MYSELF” by Celine Dion blares over the PA]
[A GROUP OF PEOPLE SITS AROUND A CONFERENCE TABLE, SHROUDED IN DARKNESS]
CURT APSEY: Hello, everyone. I have called this meeting of the Bronco SuperFriends in order to resolve our latest crisis.
LEON RICE: Look, I’m telling you guys next season is gonna be WAY better…
APSEY: No, Leon, I mean football crisis. We’ve lost Coach Avalos to the Evil Empire.
DAVID AUGUSTO: Holy crap, KTVB hired him?
APSEY: What? No, the University of Oregon. Who let you in here anyway?
AUGUSTO: Can I interest any of you in some fine rugs for your offices?
APSEY: Get out.
[SECURITY escorts AUGUSTO from the building]
APSEY: Ok then. Any ideas on how to fix this? Hars is in a bad way.
[“One is the Loneliest Number” by Three Dog Night comes on over the PA]
DIRK KOETTER: What he needs is to hire is somebody with NFL experience
APSEY: Like Kyle Wilson?
KOETTER: Maybe more experienced
APSEY: Quentin Mikell?
KOETTER: Like, coaching experience
APSEY: Gerald Alexander?
KOETTER: No, like coached in the NFL!
APSEY: I don’t think Kellen wants to coach defense for us, Dirk.
KOETTER: exasperated sigh
[“Without Me” by Halsey starts to play on the PA]
APSEY: This is getting serious, guys
BOB KUSTRA: Can we call Wilcox about the opening? He seems like he’s doing pretty well.
APSEY: I don’t think we can afford him, Bob.
KUSTRA: Just cut one of the stupid sports and use the savings for his salary. Who even watches tennis?
APSEY: rubs temples
KUSTRA: It’s a proven formula!
APSEY: I’ll think about it. Any other ideas?
DIRK KEMPTHORNE: What if we thought outside the box, and hired somebody without a Boise State background? Bring in some new blood!
APSEY: Oh boy. Who’s on your mind, Dirk?
KEMPTHORNE: I know for a fact that Robb Akey is an amazing defensive mind.
IAN JOHNSON: Hell no, man, that dude is corny.
KEMPTHORNE: Well, I know this gentleman named John L. Smith who would be a bargain hire…
[EVERYONE]: NO.
KEMPTHORNE: Wow, rough crowd. Well, I think I saved the best potential hire for last. He’s a really successful coach in college and the pros, and he’s a great defensive mind!
APSEY: Don’t do this, Dirk.
KEMPTHORNE: Chris Tormey! He could Make Idaho Great Again!
[hush falls over the conference room]
[enter RIPPED JEFF CAVES]
RIPPED JEFF CAVES: I’M GONNA SHOW YOU HOW TO TREAT A MAN WHO MENTIONS CHRIS TORMEY
[JEFF CAVES lifts DIRK KEMPTHORNE over his head, and chucks him out of the conference room]
RIPPED JEFF CAVES: FOOTHILLS MED SPA WON’T DISRESPECT POKEY ALLEN. GOOD DAY, GENTLEMEN.
[RIPPED JEFF CAVES exits]
APSEY: You know, this hasn’t exactly gone how I saw it happening in my head.
[“Lonely” by Akon bumps over the PA]
KOETTER: Look, I know you have some phone calls to make, but here’s my card and I’ll fax you my resume just in case you need any help.
[DIRK KOETTER exits]
APSEY: Nobody tell him we got rid of the fax machine.
KUSTRA: Are we 100% sure we can’t call Wilcox? How about Kellen Moore, he’s popular!
APSEY: You’re retired, Bob, go be retired.
KUSTRA: All I’m saying is we’re an Urban Research University of Distinction, and I expect us to make an Athletic Program Coach of Distinction hire!
APSEY: All over it, Bob.
[BOB KUSTRA exits]
IAN JOHNSON: You need to make an unexpected call. The Statue Left of hiring decisions.
APSEY: groans
IAN JOHNSON: Maybe give Antonio Pierce a call. I bet Deandre has his number.
APSEY: Actually, that’s not a bad idea.
IAN JOHNSON: You know what else is a good idea? Life insurance.
APSEY: Meeting over.
[EVERYONE EXITS]
[“Boulevard of Broken Dreams” comes on over the PA]
[a bleary-eyed BRYAN HARSIN wanders in]
BRYAN HARSIN: Andy leaves, the quarterbacks are battling, and now my conference room smells like Bengay. COULD THIS SPRING GET ANY WORSE?
[DAVE SOUTHORN pops up from under the table]
HARSIN: does Gatorade spit-take
DAVE SOUTHORN: Hey, how about open practices and player interviews, coach?
HARSIN: SECURITY!
[FIN]