NOT A BLOG BET: The Fall of Troy (In Three Acts)

To the best of OBNUG’s collective knowledge, Troy Football does not have an active community blog, and thus there was no opportunity for a Blog Bet to be made. However, dear reader, we refuse to deny you the content you so richly deserve. With that in mind, here is our correspondent’s entirely fictional recounting of the events surrounding this past weekend’s game. Any resemblance to real people or events is purely coincidental.

ACT THE FIRST

[SCENE: OPEN ON VETERANS MEMORIAL STADIUM, COVERED IN A LOW-HANGING MIST OR FOG]

<BRYAN HARSIN enters, flanked by ZAK HILL and ANDY AVALOS>

HARSIN: This is where we hold them. This is where we FIGHT!

AVALOS: That’s 300, not Troy.

HARSIN: Yeah, but who quotes Troy anyway.

AVALOS: “Men are haunted by the vastness of eternity. And so we ask ourselves: will our actions echo across the centuries? Will strangers hear our names long after we are gone, and wonder who we were, how bravely we fought, how fiercely we loved?”

HILL: “If they ever tell my story let them say that I walked with giants. Men rise and fall like the winter wheat, but these names will never die. Let them say I lived in the time of Hector, tamer of horses. Let them say I lived in the time of Achilles.”

HARSIN: I hate you both. Let’s do this.

[SCENE: OPENING KICKOFF AT LARRY BLAKENEY FIELD]

<BRYAN HARSIN pulls BRETT RYPIEN aside>

HARSIN: Captain, I leave you in charge.

RYPIEN: Are you quoting 300 again?

HARSIN: Don’t worry about that, it’s go time.

RYPIEN: You know 300 doesn’t have anything to do with Troy, right?

HARSIN: Swords, shields, Greeks...

RYPIEN: I mean, it’s a similar time period and setting, but entirely different stories and epics. Sure, some Spartans went with Agamemnon to Troy, but different scenario entirely. We’re even the visiting team here.

HARSIN: How is everyone a history buff suddenly? Good lord. Anyway, I want to give these hicks some hope. Take a sack or two, maybe some long reads on 3rd down, but sell it before we really take it to em.

RYPIEN: You got it, coach.

HARSIN: Remember, this isn’t madness, THIS IS BRONCO COUNTRY!

RYPIEN: Just stop, coach.

ACT THE SECOND

[HALFTIME, BRONCOS LEAD 35-7]

<BRYAN HARSIN is giving a halftime speech to the team>

HARSIN: Good work, men! We’ve got them on the ropes!

<TEAM RAH-RAHS>

HARSIN: But that looked too easy. I don’t think they respect us.

<TEAM BOOS>

HARSIN: They need to witness the power of this FULLY ARMED AND OPERATIONAL BATTLE STATION!

<blank stare from TEAM>

AVALOS: What Coach is trying to say is that it’s defense time.

HARSIN: Seriously, has nobody seen Star Wars?

RYPIEN: Oh man I love BB-8

HARSIN: Milennials really are ruining everything.

TYLER HORTON: Don’t worry, coach. I’ve got you.

ACT THE THIRD

[BRONCOS WIN 56-20]

<BRYAN HARSIN is doing his postgame interview with the MEDIA>

HARSIN: So yeah, in conclusion we just stuck with our game plan, and executed really well in almost every phase of the game. Any questions?

BJ RAINS: Coach could you talk about the Turnover Throne that I broke the social media news on this morning, despite not receiving ANY CREDIT on for it?

<MEDIA groans>

HARSIN: Throne? What throne?

<ASSISTANT whispers to HARSIN>

HARSIN: We have a throne?! Weird, I’ll look into it. Any more questions?

JAY TUST: Coach, now that Tyler Horton has gotten to sit in the Turnover Throne twice and is the reigning King of Chaos, will he get to take the throne to his apartment? BOOM!

HARSIN: <stares blankly at Jay> Next question.

DAVE SOUTHORN: Coach, could you talk about the Turnover Throne’s twitter going viral?

HARSIN: The next person who asks about a throne gets banned from practices.

TOM SCOTT: Coach, considering the historical context of the fall of Troy and the Greek victory in that battle, do you see yourself as more of an Agamemnon or Odysseus? And to follow up on that question, if you go the Odysseus route, which of his trials on his journey home would UConn constitute? Could this entire season be themed after the Greek epic poem “The Odyssey”?

HARSIN: I actually kinda consider myself more of a Leonidas

<MEDIA stares>

TOM SCOTT: That’s not even the same historical period...

SOUTHORN: I am so glad you’re not on my trivia team.

HARSIN: That’s it, your media pass will forever say Southern. See you nerds Monday.

RAINS: Let’s see how late they let us stay in the press box!

[FIN]