Since I’m not sure The UConn Blog is going to post the blog bet, I figured I would just go ahead and do it here, anyway. And based on the number of UConn posters in our comments section compared to over there, this might be the better option anyway to share it with their fans! Thanks to Aman Kidwai for being a good sport and exchanging questions with us. (The decision to publish might have been out of his hands.) We’re rooting for you to take the AAC, Huskies!
Police Academy 818: Hightower Gets Promoted
An original screenplay by OBNUG
The scene opens to a desert setting, where some TIGERS are feasting on the remains of some COWBOYS. OBNUG enters in and looks on with a look of consternation.
Hey, I thought this was supposed to be a Police Academy movie! What’s with this gruesome nature documentary? And how does this make any sense, geographically speaking?
VOICE FROM THE SKY
This is the Entertainment Maker, whose name may or may not be scrambled to make the word “PENS.” You will watch what I say you will watch, and probably stay up too late to get to church on time tomorrow. Especially if Eastern Standard Time is really what you go by and not just a math equation you need to figure out to know how to set your DVR.
Well, okay. But this looks well and truly over by now.
VOICE FROM THE SKY
Deal with it.
(Deals with it)
EXT/BLUE ACADEMY/LATE, LATE NIGHT
Suddenly, a scene of a beautiful bluegrass field appears, where Police Academy recruits are in the middle of a training exercise. BRETT “RIPPIN” MAHONEY calls out commands to B-SQUAD.
…and so I says, “I got two of ‘em!”
(Laughs, kicks field goal.)
Recruit DAVID “SWEETCHUCKS” PINDELL runs over to where B-SQUAD is practicing.
Wowee, Mahoney, you have your squad running like a well-oiled machine! Do you mind if I stick around and learn some of your tactics to teach to H-Squad?
Why, sure! We have time! I can’t imagine this making anyone late for church. Let’s see how your squad does with the obstacle course!
H-SQUAD lines up on the starting line and MAHONEY signals SWEETCHUCKS to give the starting command.
H-SQUAD jumps onto the cargo net.
No, you have to wait for me to say, “go!”
H-SQUAD gets back into position.
Okay… ready, set, go!
H-SQUAD jumps into action. After SWEETCHUCKS gathers them back together, he has a team meeting.
No, fellas! The obstacle course is that way, and I saw a few illegal monkey bars maneuvers out there! You’re embarrassing me in front of Commandant “AP Poll Voters” Lassard!
(Putting a hand on SWEETCHUCK’s shoulder) Maybe you should watch us go through it again!
B-SQUAD lines up and—on MAHONEY’s signal—jumps into action. LT. JOHN “MOSES” HIGHTOWER pulls the obstacle poles down and steps over the course in two easy leaps. B-SQUAD follows behind to congratulate him.
See? No sweat! It’s as easy as one, two.
Let’s not get too crazy. Hey, maybe you would do better on the firing range!
H-SQUAD lines up at the firing line and draws their weapons.
Okay, gang! Ready, aim…
Aww, come on, fellas! Wait for my signal!
MUSIC MONTAGE: We see B-SQUAD performing their maneuvers with relative ease, followed by H-SQUAD trying their hardest, but coming up short. AVERY “BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT’S CHARACTER” WILLIAMS stops an H-SQUAD maneuver short and says something gurgly about being king. In the hand-to-hand combat training, EUGENE “THE DEFENSE” TACKLEHUSKY, lives up to his namesake. B-Squad rookie KHALIL “HOOKS” SHAKIR, steps outside of his role as traffic cop to ace the detective exams. HIGHTOWER drives circles around the parking lot to cover 20 feet of distance without hitting a single cone, just because. ALEXANDER “JONESEY” MATTISON makes jet noises as he zips about doing his training. We hear SWEETCHUCKS showing moments of leadership, but his squad keeps moving in the wrong direction.
Okay! Onyourmarkgetsetg…dang it all to gosh-darn heck!
After trying for a few hours to no avail, the H-SQUAD looks about ready to quit.
VOICE FROM THE SKY
And that will take us to movie intermission. We will step away and send it to SNEP analysts Captain Harris and Lieutenant Proctor, who will show you highlights you have already seen, talk repeatedly about SEC precincts while wiping drool off their chins, and give absolutely no analysis on the movie you are currently most interested in watching, because it is beneath them. What do you expect, CBS Films?
EXT/FIELD/AFTER THE KIDS HAVE GONE TO BED
When the movie resumes, we see BRETT MAHONEY giving advice to SWEETCHUCKS PINDELL.
Things are going rough, but keep your head up! At some point, something is going to go your way!
Ah gee, thanks!
Go get, ‘em kid! (SWEETCHUCKS runs out onto the training field.)
ALEXANDER ”JONESEY” MATTISON
(Making a robot noise, sidles up next to MAHONEY) Should we back off a bit?
Yeah, don’t tell anyone, but we’re sending in the “B” B-SQUAD.
SWEETCHUCKS gets his confidence up, and leads H-SQUAD to a successful field sobriety test and beatdown. They are excited to finally have succeeded, celebrating by drinking 40s for some reason.
This is short lived, as the “B” B-SQUAD follows up with a field sobriety test of their own, minus the beatdown. They continue their success in their tests, especially when AJ “CALLAGHAN” RICHARDSON impresses the SEPN overlords with a CenterSports POT-NET play. SWEETCHUCKS looks sad again. MAHONEY and JONESEY look at each other, knowing what the other is thinking.
“C” B-SQUAD comes in and finishes up the night of training. HIGHTOWER is carried off the field and instantly promoted to captain. SWEETCHUCKS looks dejected as he comes off the field. MAHONEY puts an arm around him.
You know what? This might be a competition, but I’ve just become your biggest fan! You have shown heart and fortitude, and we all know we are on the same team in the end. At least, you’re not one of those snobby power precincts. (Music swells) We can all learn from a night like this, and become better police officers in the end. Now, I need to get to bed before I sleep in and am late for church.