Adjusting the Mountain West mascots for the 2017 football season results

A part of the grand pageantry of the college game, college mascots are meant to be indicative of the school’s prowess and success. Some are symbolic of the region, others are just aspirational goals for floundering athletics programs.

If we err on the side of accurate representation for a team’s last football season, first glance says the Mountain West probably needs some re-tuning of the mascot situations. Since we’re in peak offseason, what better time than now? LET’S DIVE IN!

AIR FORCE

Mascot: Falcons

2017 Football W-L Record: 5-7

Too flighty to even qualify as one of the smaller birds of prey, Air Force is hereby redubbed the Magpies in recognition of their annoyance factor (and their love of shiny helmets).

BOISE STATE

Mascot: Broncos

2017 Football W-L: 11-3

You win the conference, you get to call yourself whatever you want. Sticking to the traditional Bronco mascot seems fittingly powerful and free, if a bit up and down.

COLORADO STATE

Mascot: Rams

2017 Football W-L: 7-6

Let’s be honest, 7-6 is more of a Sheep thing than a ram thing. If this was basketball, they’d be the Colorado State Reproductive Systems (that scoreboard tho, woof), but as lonely Scotsmen say, sheep are good enough.

FRESNO STATE

Mascot: Bulldogs

2017 Football W-L: 10-4

Runners-up, although they sniffed victory. They can stay the Bulldogs if they wish, but that genetic predisposition to breathing and hip problems is not gonna go away.

HAWAII

Mascot: Rainbow Warriors

2017 Football W-L: 3-9

Rainbow Warriors sounds alternately fierce and fabulous, and I really don’t know where to go with reclassifying them. I say let sleeping Rainbow Warriors lie.

NEVADA

Mascot: Wolfpack

2017 Football W-L: 3-9

The Nevada ‘Puppy Herd’ was mostly toothless this past season, due in no small part to the head woofer being a new pup himself. Somewhere in South Bend, Brian Polian dreams of corndogs and runs towards them in his sleep.

NEW MEXICO

Mascot: Lobos

2017 Football W-L: 3-9

THE FIGHTING BOB DAVIES ARE GOING TO NEED MORE METAMUCIL FOR THIS OFFSEASON

SAN DIEGO STATE

Mascot: Aztecs

2017 Football W-L: 10-3

Getting thumped in back-to-back weeks in your own neck of the woods feels kind of on-brand for the Aztecs, although neither Boise nor Fresno are Spanish enough to really make the historical analogy work. A strong close out to the season lets them retain their name.

SAN JOSE STATE

Mascot: Spartans

2017 Football W-L: 2-11

While their trophy case is rather spartan (get it?) I feel their mascot should be more aligned with their on-field prowess, thus I present you the San Jose State Naked Mole Rats.

UNLV

Mascot: Rebels

2017 Football W-L: 5-7

A 5-7 record doesn’t feel all that rebellious, except inasmuch as it rebels against good taste and winning tradition. Calling them something gamble-y seems like a cheap shot, so the UNLV Coin Flips it is.

UTAH STATE

Mascot: Aggies

2017 Football W-L: 6-7

Nobody really knows what the hell an Aggie is, so it remains undefined, much like Utah State’s future football plans.

WYOMING

Mascot: Cowboys

2017 Football W-L: 8-5

Controversy, sexism, and silliness are erupting around the Wyoming mascot as of late, so why not rename to something else symbolic of the state and the school? The Wyoming Oil Derricks would symbolize Craig Bohl’s ability to find some value in a desolate wasteland.