Old Timey mock draft

I already “mocked” the draft lost month when I decried the “combine” system that looks to overtake “hanging around the shipyard” as the preferred method of recruiting footballmen to the professional leagues. Still, my editor insisted that I put together a full first-round “mock draft” ahead of this weekend’s football conscription. Not one to disappoint (and I need my $3/week pay stubs), I put together the most comprehensive first-round projections for ALL fifteen teams in the upper leagues. You won’t find such thorough analysis in the pages of Harper’s Sporting World Weekly, I can tell you that, chums.

1. Canton Bulldogs—Ulysses S. Gronkowski, Tight End, Cornell

The heft of a longshoreman and the hands of a butcher.

2. Akron Pros—Diamond Jim Calloway, Fullback, Army

Do not allow Calloway’s graceful nickname to fool you, he tallied five total kills and one maiming against Cumberland.

3. Cleveland Tigers—Leighton Vander Esch, Linebacker, Boise State

Once I saw Vander Esch play, my skepticism about his Dutch lineage was assuaged.

4. Duluth Eskimos—Swede Gullickson, Fullback, Norfolk Naval Shipyard

Gullickson would fill a major need on the Duluth squad—fullback. Last season they had to play with a skeleton crew of just 27.

5. Hammond Pros—Red Rickenbach, Fullback, Rutgers

It’s a light year for fullbacks, with just twelve to thirteen expected to go in the first round—still, Rickenbach has the most teeth.

6. Kenosha Maroons—Tank Mulvaney, Fullback, Princeton

Will the Princeton lad be able to handle the bright lights of Kenosha? Time will tell.

7. Louisville Brecks—Sam Shovelhead Havemeyer, Fullback, Harvard

Havemeyer got his nickname by burying the crown of his head 8 inches into the famous dirt mound at the back of Iowa’s end-zone. He was unconscious for 27 minutes and still ran for 3 more scores.

8. Muncie Flyers—Hinkey Huckstep, Fullback, Georgia Tech

This might be a reach, but Muncie’s GM—Alfred Davis—falls in love with any player that can run a 40 meter dash in under six seconds.

9. Oorang Indians—Polly Waldrick, Quarterback, Dartmouth

Waldrick’s arm is the stuff of legend. He once threw a potato 80 yards into the waiting maw of a hobo.

10. Rochester Jeffersons—Gaylord Stinchcomb, Fullback, Ohio State

Stinchcomb is a hungry young prospect on account of him not eating for the last month and a half due to dysentery.

11. Staten Island Stapletons—Chick Nemecek, Guard, Syracuse

The mammoth Nemecek would be the biggest O-lineman in the league, tipping the scales at a whopping two hundred and twelve pounds!

12. Boston Braves—Dummy Lowenstein, Fullback, Yale

A Yalie? In Boston? Lowenstein better make good right quick or his uniform will be covered in tar and feathers in short order.

13. Washington Senators—Adolph Minturn, Fullback, Washington & Jefferson

I’ve heard the Senators brass are swooning over Minturn, meaning they’re willing to overlook the fact that he’ll be the fifth “Adolph” on their roster.

14. Rock Island Independents—Pudge Tolbert, Fullback, Notre Dame

George Gipp once called Tolbert “as full a back as I’ve e’er seen”

15. Providence Steam Roller—Pipp Swanson, Punter, Virginia Military Institute

Swanson’s punting is a real sockdollager, which is to say a humdinger.