While no blog bet was made with any Wyoming Cowboys website, one of our intrepid OBNUG investigative reporters stumbled across this court record on PACER. As we believe it to be possibly legit and of public interest, we are publishing the case record below.
UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT FOR THE DISTRICT OF _YOMING
Civil Action No. 09292018
STATE OF _YOMING
(on behalf of the University of _yoming)
BOISE STATE FOOTBALL et al.,
(represented by the law firm of Rypien, Hightower, and Pierce LLP)
The Honorable Craig Thompson, presiding
TRANSCRIPT AS FOLLOWS:
JUDGE CRAIG THOMPSON: Bailiff, what case is this again?
BAILIFF: State of, uh, “underscore-yoming” versus Boise State Football, your honor
CRAIG BOHL: I OBJECT!
JUDGE T: Calm down, Craig B. You can’t object to the docket.
BOHL: Your honor, I am but a simple football coach, but I do believe in the basic, inalienable rights of all people to the usage of a full and complete alphabet.
JUDGE T: Isn’t that why we’re here today?
BOHL: Yes, but
JUDGE T: <SLAMS GAVEL> SIT DOWN, CRAIG B!
BAILIFF: Your honor, the State of “underscore-yoming” is suing Boise State Football for the usage rights of their W. Apparently they’ve lost the rights due to some sports proceedings.
JUDGE T: <RUNS COMB THROUGH MAGNIFICENTLY COIFED HAIR> Interesting. Opening statements it is! Prosecutor, make your case.
BOHL: Your honor, I am but a simple man with the largest house in Wyoming, but in these proceedings today I aim to demonstrate that Boise State Football has unduly burdened the state of Wyoming by
RYPIEN: OBJECTION, YOUR HONOR! Prosecutor is improperly using a W that my client owns. Also, sweet hair.
JUDGE T: Why thank you, young man. Not a bad wave you’ve got going yourself. I could recommend some conditioners during the recess if you’d like.
BOHL: Your honor, this is highly inappro-
JUDGE T: OBJECTION SUSTAINED! Prosecutor, please refrain from using the disputed letter during case proceedings. Also, I am offended by your dome wax.
BOHL: <sighs> Your honor, we will attempt to prove that Boise State Football’s claim to the letter in question is dubious, injurious, and fallacious. It’s also kind of a douche move.
JUDGE T: Thank you for your opening statement, Mr. Bohl. Seriously though, can we turn down the lights? That dome is BLINDING.
BAILIFF: We’ll get maintenance on it, your honor.
JUDGE T: Holla. Alright, defense team, let’s hear your bit.
HIGHTOWER: Your honor, the defense will prove that Boise State Football owns all rights to the letter W as a result of kicking the S out of their A.
JUDGE T: You may have an absolutely glorious mane, boy, but you will watch your language in my court.
HIGHTOWER: Understood, your honor <flips hair>
JUDGE T: Holy ****, did you see that bounce, bailiff?
BAILIFF: Yes, sir.
JUDGE T: Mr. Bohl, things are looking mighty bare for the prosecution, not unlike your scalp. Please call your first and only witness.
BOHL: Your honor, the prosecution calls Josh Allen.
ALLEN: <takes seat in witness box> Hello. I play professional football.
BOHL: We know, Josh. Could you please relate to us the events of October 29th, 2016?
ALLEN: I played college football!
BOHL: <facepalms> Yes, but against who?
HIGHTOWER: Objection, Your Honor, proper phrasing is “against whom”.
JUDGE T: Noted. Holy **** I love your hair.
BOHL: <grinds teeth> Ok, AGAINST WHOM DID YOU PLAY COLLEGE FOOTBALL THAT DAY?
ALLEN: The Smurfs!
BOHL: May the record show Mr. Allen played the Boise State Broncos. Josh, did you “get the W” that day?
ALLEN: My friend did a booty dance!
BOHL: Safety dance. He did a safety dance and you won.
RYPIEN: Objection, leading the witness.
JUDGE T: He wasn’t getting anywhere on his own. I’ll allow it.
RYPIEN: That’s fair.
BOHL: Prosecution rests, your honor.
JUDGE T: Your witness, defense team.
DEANDRE PIERCE: Mr. Allen, do you remember the Boise State game you played in 2017?
ALLEN: I lost college football!
PIERCE: Damn right you did.
JUDGE T: I am unsure how I feel about your hair. Please sit down. Mr. Allen, thank you for your time.
ALLEN: I’m a quarterback!
JUDGE T: And you still can’t afford a proper haircut. What is this world coming to? Defense, please call your first and only witness.
RYPIEN: Your honor, the defense calls stats expert Jay Tust.
TUST: Boom! First courtroom appearance that isn’t alcohol related! #TuSTATS
JUDGE T: Please be seated and only answer questions directed to you, Mr. Tust. Does your hair do that naturally or is that product?
TUST: Eight ounces of product, fifteen minutes of shop-vac to help it cure and shape! Boom! #TuSTATS
JUDGE T: Weird, but I’ll allow it.
RYPIEN: Mr. Tust, could you please give us the stats for the last two Boise State Football games against Wyoming?
TUST: They’re 2-0 with one win at home and one win on the road!
RYPIEN: The defense rests.
JUDGE T: Do you seriously use a shop-vac for that?
TUST: <nods sagely> Boom.
JUDGE T: <scribbles notes> Your witness, Mr. Bohl.
BOHL: Mr. Tust, in your professional stats opinion, is the letter W from Wyoming owned by Boise State Football?
TUST: The #TuSTATS don’t lie, man. Boise owns the W at home and in Laramie. Boom.
JUDGE T: Ok, I’ve heard enough. I’m ready to issue a summary judgement.
BOHL: I don’t get to make a closing argument?
JUDGE T: What could you possibly say that your absurdly shiny noggin hasn’t already been screaming at me all day? I rule that Boise State Football owns the letter W from Wyoming, and that the state and school shall be known as “underscore-yoming” until such time as they can get their W back on the football field.
RYPIEN, HIGHTOWER, PIERCE, and TUST (simultaneously): BOOM!
BOHL: I may just be a simple ball coach with the biggest Chevy lift kit in the state of Wyoming, but this sucks.
ALLEN: I like football fields.