Dear Boise State offense,
Where you been? We're all starting to worry a little bit. It's not uncommon for you to stay home for the first party of the year, but it's been a few weeks now and we haven't really seen you—everything alright? We asked around and were repeatedly told "there's nothing wrong with the offense", but I've known you long enough to know when something's up. I mean, you made brief appearances at the last few soirees but were acting kind of strange, and then as the night went on (and usually around the time you're really cutting loose), you just disappeared. You used to be the life of the party, but now the defense is getting all the girls and you don't even seem to mind.
And frankly, the defense is starting to get cocky. "We don't even need the offense to have a good time" they said. And for the first few gatherings of the year, I believed them...but I think the defense got a little burned out. If you're always expected to be the life of the party...always "on", I can see how that might wear on a unit. That's usually where you'd come in. You two used to be a great team. You'd show up, with all your flash and bravado, get the party started and then be getting crazy well past halftime—then kinda coast the rest of the evening, but it was cool because defense had your back. Now you just don't seem as into it anymore and it might be time for a welfare check-in. Last go 'round even defense failed to show up...they said they were out looking for you, but frankly, I think they might have just stayed in and watched Netflix.
We're here for you. Don't be afraid to ask for help. If it's going to take a serious life change, maybe you should just embrace it—anything to get you back in the endzone. We'll support you if you want to go full Air Raid. Watching you try to run in your current state is just sad. We can tell your heart's not really in it right now, but sometimes you have to put on a brave face and fake it. I mean, think of the children—don't you owe it to them to at least show up? They care more about you than defense...always have. And while some of your older friends can appreciate the relationship that you and defense have...the youngsters really only care about what you're doing, and we can't lie to them anymore and tell them you're on a secret jet mission in the middle east. I mean, we've basically been rehashing the plot of Iron Eagle, and the kids...they think so much of you they've actually been buying it.
There's no shame in telling you we need you and we know you might be embarrassed right now, but we are too. Hurtful things have been said. We're sorry. Can't we just put this in the past and get back to having fun together? You show up next week and there'll be no questions asked, old pal.