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Blog Bet Payout (Kinda)

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Okay, look, I sent it to the folks at Building the Dam, and I think they've opted out of running it. Since it wasn't officially agreed to, I wrote it anyway and gave them the option. So here it is for you Nuggies.

...of September.
...of September.

24th

INT/OVAL ORIFICE/DAY

PRESIDENT ANDERSEN sits behind a giant desk, getting briefed on the day’s events by SECRETARIES MCGIVEN, WOODS, and CLUNE. OBNUG stands quietly in the corner, furiously taking down notes.

SECRETARY MCGIVEN

…And so I says, “I got two of ‘em!”

All erupt into belly laughs. OBNUG laughs nervously, even though he didn’t get the joke.

PRESIDENT ANDERSEN

(Wiping tears from his eyes) Okay, okay; we’d better get down to business. What’s on our agenda?

SECRETARY WOODS

Well, here’s our schedule, sir. We’re still looking for a signature.

Just then, CO-ASSISTANT, APPRENTICE, JUNIOR UNDERSECRETARY KEETON barges through the door, injuring his leg in the process.

KEETON

Ow, I’m good. Sir, we need you in the situation room right now! There’s a… situation!

PRESIDENT ANDERSEN

What’s your name, son?

KEETON

Co-assistant, apprentice, junior undersecretary Keeton, sir!

PRESIDENT ANDERSEN

Give that guy the title “intern” also, and give him another year on his contract!

OBNUG scribbles down a note to himself.

PRESIDENT ANDERSEN

Where are you from, kid?

KEETON

The State of Utah.

PRESIDENT ANDERSEN

Huh! So am I! As a matter-of-fact, so are my cabinet members! Is there anyone here not from the State of Utah?

Trying to appear inconspicuous, OBNUG starts absentmindedly zipping his pants open and closed while whistling the theme to Spongebob Squarepants.

PRESIDENT ANDERSEN

Off with his head!

SECRETARY MCGIVEN

We don’t do that, sir.

OBNUG

Do you have a bathroom nearby?

KEETON

Sir, the situation…?

PRESIDENT ANDERSEN

Oh, yeah!

INT/SITUATION ROOM/DAY

MILITARY HEADS and CABINET MEMBERS sit with PRESIDENT ANDERSEN in front of a wall of monitors. KEETON sits at a computer with no mouse, typing furiously on the keyboard as he speaks.

KEETON

We have reports of the State of Boise coming into Corvallis to disrupt our peace. They were able to infiltrate our borders by decking themselves in all blue and standing in front of blue bodies of water, using the blue sky as a backdrop, and spoon-walking behind members of the Blue Man Group.

PRESIDENT ANDERSEN

Camouflage, eh? Clever.

KEETON

(Still typing as he speaks) They have broken into Reser Stadium and are trying to escape with the Double-U.

PRESIDENT ANDERSEN

Not the Uranium Ultimatum!!

SECRETARY WOODS

We just call it a “W,” sir.

SECRETARY CLUNE

Don’t worry, sir! They’ve tried this before and have come away empty every time.

KEETON

I’ve hacked into the servers by typing a bunch of random characters on a screen—all the while, carrying on a verbal conversation explaining exactly what I’m doing—and now we can access the 3D wireframe blueprints, security cameras, and alarm systems of Reser Stadium. (Develops Carpal-Tunnel Syndrome)

PRESIDENT ANDERSEN

And all this without a mouse?

KEETON

TV audiences are very gullible.

PRESIDENT ANDERSEN

Give this man another title and extension!

OBNUG makes another note and checks his zipper. It’s down.

PRESIDENT ANDERSEN

Send in the first team

COMMERCIAL BREAK

INT/SITUATION ROOM/DAY

AGENT DARELL GARRETSON is seen on a monitor yelling into his wrist.

GARRETSON

They’ve got us pinned down! We were keeping up with their attack, and then they brought out a McWeapon! It’s running all over us and we don’t have the power to stop it! For every advance we make, they make 6! If I hear the words “Shovel Pass” one more time, I will be physically ill!

SECRETARY WOODS

Keep your head on, son!

SECRETARY MCGIVEN

And, for crying out loud, you don’t need to talk into your wrist; the mic will pick up your yelling just fine.

GARRETSON

(Touching his ear and tilting his head) Roger that, sir!

SECRETARY MCGIVEN

(To Secretary Woods) Why the heck is he touching his ear like that?

SECRETARY WOODS

I think that means he’s listening.

KEETON

TV audiences are very gullible.

AGENT VICTOR BOLDEN enters the monitor screen holding a bomb in his hand.

BOLDEN

Sir, I’ve just located the W and easily ran it 60 yards to this location. They’ve rigged it with some sort of detonating device.

KEETON

Did they happen to put an easy-to-read, beeping digital timer on it?

BOLDEN

Why, yes, they did!

KEETON just looks at PRESIDENT ANDERSEN and shrugs.

PRESIDENT ANDERSEN

What does the timer read?

BOLDEN

(Touches his ear) One minute left. Curiously, when I found it, it was only set for 30 minutes, which is about half as long as this conflict was supposed to last.

PRESIDENT ANDERSEN

Looks like they were planning on giving up early. I have an idea: Go ahead and disarm the device, then we’ll regroup with a new team leader.

SECRETARY MCGIVEN

You don’t mean…

PRESIDENT ANDERSEN

Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

EXT/MCDONALD’S PLAYLAND/DAY

AGENT JACK BLOUNTER lies among a sea of colorful balls, head just above the surface, absently gazing at nothing. His phone rings; it’s the PRESIDENT.

PRESIDENT ANDERSEN

Blounter, we’re going to need you to come in! We have a situation, here! We’re in the situation room, and everything!

JACK BLOUNTER

Sir, I’m inactive now. You have your man, and I personally haven’t taken a poop for 7 seasons. It’s getting a little old.

PRESIDENT ANDERSEN

But Beaver Nation needs you!! Is that what we call us?

JACK BLOUNTER

I don’t know, I’d have to check with Building the Dam.

PRESIDENT ANDERSEN

Can we count on you?

JACK BLOUNTER

I guess, if the world depends on it.

PRESIDENT ANDERSEN hangs up without saying goodbye. Somewhere, KEETON nods knowingly and sprains his neck.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

INT/SITUATION ROOM/DAY

JACK BLOUNTER is seen on the monitor, talking into his wrist.

JACK BLOUNTER

I came as quickly as I could during the commercial break and started our progress toward securing the W!

PRESIDENT ANDERSEN

Great job, Jack! You’ve renewed the hope of the Beaver Faithful, if that’s what we call us! Secretary Clune, I need a status update on your operation!

SECRETARY CLUNE

Things are going great! It’s almost as if the State of Boise has stopped trying altogether! Did they retire the McWeapon, or something? ‘Cuz that would be weird.

PRESIDENT ANDERSEN

We can do this! I believe we’re going to secure the W!

KEETON

Mr. President, we just got a report that Agent Collins just shot himself in the foot!

PRESIDENT ANDERSEN

What happened?

KEETON

Well, we were making progress again, and then a bad man named Darren Lee came along and took the W right out of his hands! Also, he shot himself in the foot.

SECRETARY CLUNE

They’re marching back toward their base again! They’ve started figuring our strategy out! Our time is running short!

JACK BLOUNTER

They must have an inside man in the Beaver Dam! Is there anyone there you might suspect is a double-agent?

They all turn as one and look at OBNUG, who is still standing in the corner.

PRESIDENT ANDERSEN

Off with his head!

OBNUG

Wait, I thought you didn’t do that!

KEETON

Sir, look at this! They’ve surrendered. They took a knee at the last moment!

They all turn back to the monitor.

JACK BLOUNTER

They may have secured the W, but they haven’t won the war. (Music begins to swell) Not until someone gives them a legitimate shot at a playoff berth. They may not come from a Power Five conference, but they are playing the same game in the same division, and deserve every chance that any college football blue blood would be given. Every day, every game for them, is a chance to prove they belong, that they have a voice, that they deserve the same shot as the Alabamas, Ohio States, or Texases of the world. All they’re asking for… is an opportunity.

PRESIDENT ANDERSEN

That seems a little off-script, Jack.

OBNUG

Dang it, that kneel down threw off my score prediction!

THE END