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24th
INT/OVAL ORIFICE/DAY
PRESIDENT ANDERSEN sits behind a giant desk, getting briefed on the day’s events by SECRETARIES MCGIVEN, WOODS, and CLUNE. OBNUG stands quietly in the corner, furiously taking down notes.
SECRETARY MCGIVEN
…And so I says, “I got two of ‘em!”
All erupt into belly laughs. OBNUG laughs nervously, even though he didn’t get the joke.
PRESIDENT ANDERSEN
(Wiping tears from his eyes) Okay, okay; we’d better get down to business. What’s on our agenda?
SECRETARY WOODS
Well, here’s our schedule, sir. We’re still looking for a signature.
Just then, CO-ASSISTANT, APPRENTICE, JUNIOR UNDERSECRETARY KEETON barges through the door, injuring his leg in the process.
KEETON
Ow, I’m good. Sir, we need you in the situation room right now! There’s a… situation!
PRESIDENT ANDERSEN
What’s your name, son?
KEETON
Co-assistant, apprentice, junior undersecretary Keeton, sir!
PRESIDENT ANDERSEN
Give that guy the title “intern” also, and give him another year on his contract!
OBNUG scribbles down a note to himself.
PRESIDENT ANDERSEN
Where are you from, kid?
KEETON
The State of Utah.
PRESIDENT ANDERSEN
Huh! So am I! As a matter-of-fact, so are my cabinet members! Is there anyone here not from the State of Utah?
Trying to appear inconspicuous, OBNUG starts absentmindedly zipping his pants open and closed while whistling the theme to Spongebob Squarepants.
PRESIDENT ANDERSEN
Off with his head!
SECRETARY MCGIVEN
We don’t do that, sir.
OBNUG
Do you have a bathroom nearby?
KEETON
Sir, the situation…?
PRESIDENT ANDERSEN
Oh, yeah!
INT/SITUATION ROOM/DAY
MILITARY HEADS and CABINET MEMBERS sit with PRESIDENT ANDERSEN in front of a wall of monitors. KEETON sits at a computer with no mouse, typing furiously on the keyboard as he speaks.
KEETON
We have reports of the State of Boise coming into Corvallis to disrupt our peace. They were able to infiltrate our borders by decking themselves in all blue and standing in front of blue bodies of water, using the blue sky as a backdrop, and spoon-walking behind members of the Blue Man Group.
PRESIDENT ANDERSEN
Camouflage, eh? Clever.
KEETON
(Still typing as he speaks) They have broken into Reser Stadium and are trying to escape with the Double-U.
PRESIDENT ANDERSEN
Not the Uranium Ultimatum!!
SECRETARY WOODS
We just call it a “W,” sir.
SECRETARY CLUNE
Don’t worry, sir! They’ve tried this before and have come away empty every time.
KEETON
I’ve hacked into the servers by typing a bunch of random characters on a screen—all the while, carrying on a verbal conversation explaining exactly what I’m doing—and now we can access the 3D wireframe blueprints, security cameras, and alarm systems of Reser Stadium. (Develops Carpal-Tunnel Syndrome)
PRESIDENT ANDERSEN
And all this without a mouse?
KEETON
TV audiences are very gullible.
PRESIDENT ANDERSEN
Give this man another title and extension!
OBNUG makes another note and checks his zipper. It’s down.
PRESIDENT ANDERSEN
Send in the first team
COMMERCIAL BREAK
INT/SITUATION ROOM/DAY
AGENT DARELL GARRETSON is seen on a monitor yelling into his wrist.
GARRETSON
They’ve got us pinned down! We were keeping up with their attack, and then they brought out a McWeapon! It’s running all over us and we don’t have the power to stop it! For every advance we make, they make 6! If I hear the words “Shovel Pass” one more time, I will be physically ill!
SECRETARY WOODS
Keep your head on, son!
SECRETARY MCGIVEN
And, for crying out loud, you don’t need to talk into your wrist; the mic will pick up your yelling just fine.
GARRETSON
(Touching his ear and tilting his head) Roger that, sir!
SECRETARY MCGIVEN
(To Secretary Woods) Why the heck is he touching his ear like that?
SECRETARY WOODS
I think that means he’s listening.
KEETON
TV audiences are very gullible.
AGENT VICTOR BOLDEN enters the monitor screen holding a bomb in his hand.
BOLDEN
Sir, I’ve just located the W and easily ran it 60 yards to this location. They’ve rigged it with some sort of detonating device.
KEETON
Did they happen to put an easy-to-read, beeping digital timer on it?
BOLDEN
Why, yes, they did!
KEETON just looks at PRESIDENT ANDERSEN and shrugs.
PRESIDENT ANDERSEN
What does the timer read?
BOLDEN
(Touches his ear) One minute left. Curiously, when I found it, it was only set for 30 minutes, which is about half as long as this conflict was supposed to last.
PRESIDENT ANDERSEN
Looks like they were planning on giving up early. I have an idea: Go ahead and disarm the device, then we’ll regroup with a new team leader.
SECRETARY MCGIVEN
You don’t mean…
PRESIDENT ANDERSEN
Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
EXT/MCDONALD’S PLAYLAND/DAY
AGENT JACK BLOUNTER lies among a sea of colorful balls, head just above the surface, absently gazing at nothing. His phone rings; it’s the PRESIDENT.
PRESIDENT ANDERSEN
Blounter, we’re going to need you to come in! We have a situation, here! We’re in the situation room, and everything!
JACK BLOUNTER
Sir, I’m inactive now. You have your man, and I personally haven’t taken a poop for 7 seasons. It’s getting a little old.
PRESIDENT ANDERSEN
But Beaver Nation needs you!! Is that what we call us?
JACK BLOUNTER
I don’t know, I’d have to check with Building the Dam.
PRESIDENT ANDERSEN
Can we count on you?
JACK BLOUNTER
I guess, if the world depends on it.
PRESIDENT ANDERSEN hangs up without saying goodbye. Somewhere, KEETON nods knowingly and sprains his neck.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
INT/SITUATION ROOM/DAY
JACK BLOUNTER is seen on the monitor, talking into his wrist.
JACK BLOUNTER
I came as quickly as I could during the commercial break and started our progress toward securing the W!
PRESIDENT ANDERSEN
Great job, Jack! You’ve renewed the hope of the Beaver Faithful, if that’s what we call us! Secretary Clune, I need a status update on your operation!
SECRETARY CLUNE
Things are going great! It’s almost as if the State of Boise has stopped trying altogether! Did they retire the McWeapon, or something? ‘Cuz that would be weird.
PRESIDENT ANDERSEN
We can do this! I believe we’re going to secure the W!
KEETON
Mr. President, we just got a report that Agent Collins just shot himself in the foot!
PRESIDENT ANDERSEN
What happened?
KEETON
Well, we were making progress again, and then a bad man named Darren Lee came along and took the W right out of his hands! Also, he shot himself in the foot.
SECRETARY CLUNE
They’re marching back toward their base again! They’ve started figuring our strategy out! Our time is running short!
JACK BLOUNTER
They must have an inside man in the Beaver Dam! Is there anyone there you might suspect is a double-agent?
They all turn as one and look at OBNUG, who is still standing in the corner.
PRESIDENT ANDERSEN
Off with his head!
OBNUG
Wait, I thought you didn’t do that!
KEETON
Sir, look at this! They’ve surrendered. They took a knee at the last moment!
They all turn back to the monitor.
JACK BLOUNTER
They may have secured the W, but they haven’t won the war. (Music begins to swell) Not until someone gives them a legitimate shot at a playoff berth. They may not come from a Power Five conference, but they are playing the same game in the same division, and deserve every chance that any college football blue blood would be given. Every day, every game for them, is a chance to prove they belong, that they have a voice, that they deserve the same shot as the Alabamas, Ohio States, or Texases of the world. All they’re asking for… is an opportunity.
PRESIDENT ANDERSEN
That seems a little off-script, Jack.
OBNUG
Dang it, that kneel down threw off my score prediction!
THE END