Foot-ball is hurtling at us like the Kaiser in Verdun. Won't you take a moment away from your sheet music and radio programs to read about the astonishingly large Will Adams?
#72, Will Adams, Senior, OT
Weight: 297 lbs
High School/College: Sandy Creek High School, Tyrone, GA / Auburn
How'd he get to the Blue™?
The ground quaked and our enemies trembled when Big Will Adams disembarked in Boise, Idaho after a extended stay at Auburn University. With a degree in Public Administration tucked in his gargantuan fists, Adams stepped off his sky-coach at the Boise Aeroport and began his descent into the valley, firm in the knowledge that the locals hadn't seen anyone with his proportions since Louis Cyr beat Eugen Sandow's bent press record. The site editor has informed me that I must include that Mr. Adams was a 3-star recruit according to the 247 sports wire and held offers from the following venerated institutions: Georgia Tech, Buffalo, Illinois, Kentucky, Louisville, Memphis, South Alabama, and Southern Miss.
"The Georgia Giant"
"The Southern Sockdollager"
President Chester Alan Arthur, who would be higher on my list of presidents had he not been born in Vermont.
Made 38 game appearances for the Auburn Tigers Foot-ball Club. Two-time all-state selection voted by Georgia Sports Writers Association (a club which I have repeatedly been denied membership to)
I'm sure Mr. Adams wishes we'd all mind our potatoes and quit flapping our gums about his proportions, but no one paid to see Primo Carnera because of his left hook if you catch my meaning! Adams is a mountain of a man and while that mountain may not be the stately Mount McKinley, he is easily a Mount Foraker or Mount Bona. I have little doubt that he will be able to assert his considerable heft to get opposing defenders in a lather. Just how will they get their mitts on our young quarterback when our new brobdingnagian tackle stands in their path? I submit that they will fail to do so! Bank's closed, chums!
If I know my onions (and I've never been accused of not knowing them, except by the Georgia Sports Writers Association), I think Adams may have a sizable impact on the Bronco offensive line this season and the pun was not intended so I beg your forgiveness for it. The straight dope is that the Broncos are possessed of an excellent running attack as well as a forward-passing attack—enough so that defenders oft find themselves tripping for biscuits while attempting to squelch said offense. With the addition of the Georgia gentleman, I'd say our offense may just hit on all sixes and pour a bit more naphtha on the offensive bonfire. It really should be wild fun—something I'm much in need of to get me over Gene Tunney's loss to Harry Greb.
Is he on Twitter?
Peyton's the GOAT for that one— Will Adams Jr (@_willverine_) February 8, 2016
Apparently. And seems interested in agriculture.
Completely made up fact
The editor afforded me some levity for this portion of my column, so I concocted this wisecrack:
"Mr. Adams, what size shoe do you wear?"
"My size is nine, but I wear thirteens because nines hurt my feet."