Last night, after BSU's defense played lights-out to secure a win over BYU, a visitor by the name of WooPigSOOie thought he would chime in to add his two cents, which is unfortunate since that probably represented the last of his panhandling money.
Mr. Fiskers--despite working a double shift holding down the cat bed--stayed up late to read through the posts after the game. Needless to say, he wasn't impressed.
Here's how it all started:
"Respectable team," huh? Like teams that have fans with names like WooPigSOOie? Mr Fiskers recalls seeing a movie set in the South that had something to do with pigs.
Free government handout bowl, eh? Is this any different from the free government playoff slot if you're in a Power 5 conference? I think someone's upset that they might miss out on a NY6 bowl due to their own rules.
Here's an idea, then: Schedule us! Talk to your AD about not scheduling teams from the FCS like Alcorn State (which is literally like the early days of football when they would schedule high school teams and community clubs). There are FBS teams who would be more than happy to schedule a home-and home with you (so you could, you know, play on that "obnoxious blue turf"). But that doesn't seem to happen much, does it? You should be so indignant! Take up your sign and protest!
Hypotheticals, huh? Hold on there, Mr. Fiskers, we'll come back to that one.
Or, like the one we won 2 years ago, or the one we won 6 years ago, or the 16 bowl appearances we've made since 1999, or the 2 national championships we won before that in JC and DI-AA, or the 18 conference titles we've won, or the most wins since 2000 of any FBS team (which might just include Arkansas)? LAUGH UT LOUD!!!1!!1!
Yeah, maybe we are living in the past. It's not like you can judge the present by past performances, right? Right?
Wait, rankings? Where do rankings come from Mr. Fiskers? (laugh ut loud)
You mean to say that teams are ranked before they even play a game?! Wait, Mr. WooPigSOOie says we shouldn't "live in the past!!" He thinks our merits should be only determined on the field! Help us out, Mr. Fiskers! What's a tool this Arkansas fan could use to determine actual performance?
Well, he could probably count to 21 with his shoes and pants off, but I see where you're coming from...
Let's use this "math" thing to determine actual performance this season, just like he wants. Verified Math Person Barbara Yarhead has put together a pretty awesome formula to see whether or not a team really sucks, and isn't just in the popular kids' club because of name recognition or catchy slogans (Roll...in the Mud?).
This might be a shocker, but these results measure current performance on the field, which I think is the green (or "obnoxiously" blue) surface the game is actually played on; you may have seen it, it's where Texas A&M beat you by three touchdowns, or where you barely beat an unranked C-USA team by one point and went up in rankings. (Where have I heard this before?)
So back to our first point, using "math," let's see how our "performance" measures up to "Arkansas":
Hmmmmm... I see Boise State there at number 10, despite dropping four spots. Top ten is not bad, right? Arkansas must be right there!
Oh, this isn't good, Mr. Fiskers. Not good at all.
Only ranked 44? With a 33-point rise from last week? Man, I thought 44th was low, but 77th? That's like...like...
Yeah, kinda like that low. But, hey, Arkansas, at least your stock is rising while ours is falling, so there's that!
You see, I don't think Mr. Fiskers thinks strength of schedule really counts all that much when we're only counting games you've played this season, just like you think! (Oh, and won, which is sort of important when we're talking about how strong a team is. He doesn't give one hairball that you played the #1 team or #15 team and lost to them. Heck, anybody could do that, including The University of Idaho.) But in the meantime, what have the teams you have beaten done in their respective schedules, regardless of where they're ranked by biased sportswriters?
If you don't want to go with Barbara Yarhead's excellent ranking system (maybe you think it's biased, and also you're a mouth breather), then let's look at another system created to rank teams according to current accomplishments.
Tom Fornelli at CBS Sports has a pretty awesome ranking system that completely ignores bias. Where does welfare team Boise State rank?
What?? HIGHER than the "Does Your Team Suck" ranking?! Absurd! Let's just find Arkansas, now, shall we?
Barely made the top 40. But these results seem to be pretty close to the other ones, so maybe there might be something to it?
So if you're still butthurt that an Undefeated Boise State is ranked above a two-loss prima donna Arkansas, do the right thing and just win, instead of wasting Mr. Fiskers' grooming time.
And back to that "hypothetical" thing we said we'd come back to... as long as we're going with real results on the field this season, and if these numbers mean anything, Mr. Fiskers can only imagine one scenario playing out in this fantasy:
Time for a nap.