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The most unnecessary Boise State products of 2015

New, 30 comments

You're still going to buy them aren't you?

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Jan Kruger/Getty Images

Collegiate licensing is big business, and—as we're constantly reminded—help fund those valuable scholarships...but not all licensed merchandise is created equal (or help fund scholarships, for that matter). For every Bronco retro snapback there's a Bronco flyswatter. For every Boise State coaches polo, there's a Bronco home pregnancy test (probably...too lazy to look that up). So, for the Bronco fan that has everything, I've taken the liberty of compiling a few that you might not have and probably shouldn't. Have some self-respect, man!

Boise State liquid hand soap

Price: $4.50

Customer Reviews: None available

soap

I'm all for hand washing...I mean, I do it once or twice a week even...but I prefer my soaps to not come in an opaque industrial lubricant container and smelling like a Bronco also not tops on my list because Broncos smell like "Warm Vanilla Almond" whatever that is. Also missed a HUGE opportunity not spelling "Essentials": "Escentials"...that's just marketing 101.

Fist Pump Boise State (Remix)

Price: $0.99

Customer Reviews: None available (whaaaa?)

fistpump

"Pump up" music is a pretty common pre-game ritual, but I'm not sure how psyched I'd get hearing (and I quote)

Pump pump pump pump pump pump pump and a jump jump jump jump jump jump jump...

sung by seemingly the same people behind "Kidz Bop". Once you get to the line "Boise State get friggin' HYPE", you'll wonder if this was a dollar that could have been better spent on a junior bacon cheeseburger.

Boise State Football: How to Build the Perfect Bronco

Cost: $11.50

Customer Review:

"This is a childs book that does not contain any information about the broncos except the coaches name. There is no trademark licensing agreement on this book, so it does not contribute to scholarships as most other books do. The storyline isn't even good as a kids book. By changing the name of the coach and the title it could be about any football team."

dumb book

I'm no super sleuth or anything, but I think author Cameron Silver might be trying to sell books by pandering to fanbases. Not sure how I came to that conclusion...

camsilver

Perhaps a bigger crime is that the "author" appears to be laboring under the illusion that universities have dungeons.

quote

Boise State Stainless Steel infinity necklace

Cost: $45.00

Customer Reviews: None available

necklace

No! Turn Back! This is not the necklace your wife is looking for. This is a semi-stylish necklace that has a small piece of tin attached with a inkjet image of a Bronco...it's not worth it, bro—she'll know you didn't go to Jared.

Boise State Broncos Ivy Pendant

Cost: $18.00

Customer Reviews:

"The necklace is very pretty, rating 3 stars because #1, the center blue heart is a seperate (sic) piece that attaches to the necklace. #2 the blue heart is not secure, constantly falls off. #3 had to super glue it down, I expected better quality."

necklace2

No! Not this one either, man...do I have to draw you a map to Zales?! And Miss, you paid eighteen dollars for a necklace with a sports mascot on it...you were really expecting better quality?

Bulldog Holding Sign Figurine

Cost: $38.95

Customer Reviews: None available

dog

There are scores of dog lovers and scores of Boise State lovers, so I'm sure the overlap on that Venn diagram is pretty large...but I have to question the judgement of having the mascot of one of our biggest rivals holding a sign supporting the home team. Why not "Go Broncos" emblazoned on an axe being held by a Vandal? Same effect, no?

Toddler Wind Breaker and Pants set

Cost: $36.99

Customer Reviews: None available

tracksuit

Yes to indoctrinating your kids into rooting for your favorite sports teams, but I'm seeing one teensy-tiny problem with this dope toddler track suit...see if you can spot it too!

Boise State Broncos Backpack Pal

Cost: Just $14.99 on Overstock

Customer Reviews: None available

Gremlin

Back to the kid indoctrination thing...I'm cool with that, but this thing looks less like a Bronco and more like a Gremlin. "Merry Christmas, son—here's your new backpack...but for the love of God, DON'T FEED IT AFTER MIDNIGHT!"