Last night, President Obama delivered his annual State of the Union address. I know this, because it pre-empted Parks and Recreation. Obama's SOTU follow-up speech will be at Boise State's indoor practice facility in a few hours, where he'll detail the need for more Gatorade, most likely. The State of the Union speech and the pending presidential visit got me thinking that we need an annual "State of the Broncos" address, delivered by the leader of the BEST NATION EVER, Bronco Nation. Of course, that leader is Coach Bryan Harsin...and here's how I imagine that speech would, nay should, go.
Mr. Sanford, Mr. Yates, Members of Bronco Nation:
We are one year into a new era. An era that began at the tail end of an 8-5 season, a bowl loss, and great uncertainty in Bronco Nation.
But today, we turn the page.
Today, after a breakthrough year for the Broncos, our offense is running smoothly—scoring in the redzone, and putting up points at the fastest pace since 2010. Our quarterback efficiency rate is higher than it was during the Zabransky administration. Our players are leaving early for the NFL with our full support. We are free from the grip of the anemic Prince policies of the past.
Today, for the first time since Hall and Brooks—our linebacking unit is sound. Six years ago we defeated Oregon at home. Today, we’ve beaten the only Pac-12 foe to defeat them on the field of battle…and we did it in the Fiesta Bowl.
(five minutes of applause)
Yes, the Fiesta Bowl…
(five more minutes of applause)
Bronco Nation, for all you’ve endured; for all the grit and hard work required to come back; for all the tasks that lie ahead, know this:
The shadow of mediocrity has passed, and the State of the Broncos is strong.
At this moment—with an economy rich in gold and rhinestones (produces Fiesta Bowl trophy), we have broken free from the recession we faced with a Hawaii Bowl participant trophy. Rushing yards are booming and sacks are once again flowing.
(tight shot of Jay Ajayi and Kamalei Correa)
In two weeks, it will be National Signing Day…a non-partisan day of celebration of the best recruits this country has to offer…
(uncomfortable tight shot of Brett Rypien)
But we aren’t done! Speaker Drinkwitz has vowed to flip one more 4-star…and other coaches are on the fields of recruiting battle as we speak to bring a swift and powerful end to recruiting season. For that, they have our thanks...and our respect.
(Steve Caldwell rides in astride a horse)
Caldwell: “GO BRONCOS!”
(crowd whips out cellphones to check Twitter)
We’re attacking the future and honoring our past. Majority leader Scott Huff is riding the lightning. It’s an exciting time to be a Bronco. We’re united in our goals to score touchdowns and not field goals. We’re united in the idea that Bulldogs and Wolf Packs, Aggies, Aztecs, and Lobos should be defeated—and defeated soundly.
(close up of Tanner Vallejo)
You know…I once asked a great American if Bronco Nation was an exceptional nation. This brave patriot looked right at me with tears in his eyes and said “no question”. I still believe that…and in a few months, I will show that close confidante just how right he was.
(close up of Buster Bronco)
People…fellow Broncos. We’re GOING to run the Statue of Liberty play. We’re GOING to do double…even triple reverses. We’re going to execute halfback passes…
(Armand Nance flings Shane Williams-Rhodes into the air)
We choose to do these things not because they are easy but because they are hard…and because they piss off Rich Rodriguez.
Bronco Nation might not have a Mountain West Player of the Year. Heck, we don’t even have a Mountain West Coach of the Year…although I know someone personally that was up for the Bear Bryant Award.
We may not have those things…but I tell you this, Bronco Nation: each and every one of these players you see before you are All-American…because they are Broncos! ‘Murica!
(shot of nervous-looking Elliot Hoyte)
God Bless Bronco Nation! God Bless the Idaho Pizza Company Lunch Buffet! FIESTA BOWL!
(10 minute standing ovation)