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If I Were Football King

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I recently took inventory of the things I dislike in college and professional football, and I came away concluding everyone needs to elect me as the new Football King so I could make a few changes/millions. Since there is no such position, first write to your congressman.

Rule Change #1: Do away with "Ineligible Receiver Downfield" calls.

Many a good screen pass has been ruined by this stupid rule. So an offensive lineman is strong enough to bulldoze a fool into the third grade: Does that mean he's a receiver? This rule is especially stupid because rarely does the quarterback even target a lineman, unless he's running for his life and is too dumb to throw it away, or he only has one eye which is blocked by a beak-like nose and is Colin Kaepernick.

Here's an idea... what if anyone could be a receiver? You could make the decision to throw it to a 380 pound lineman and take your chances that he can outrun the defense, or just smash through them! That would create some interesting plays. Imagine Mario Yakoo rumbling down the sidelines while defensive backs hang off him-- like the time the big sixth grader played Smear The [Guy With The Ball] on the playground that one time!

Plus, it would give me more chances to yell, "FAT GUY TOUCHDOWN!" at the TV (as I stand up and spill the bowl of Cheetos off my lap)!

Rule Change #2: Illegal Formation? Nope.

Line 'em up how you want! The time I realized this could be fun was the first time I saw a "Swinging Gate" formation on a PAT. Hey, it's not the offense's job to make sure the defense covers their guys! If you miss an assignment, or don't account for Shane Williams-Rhodes being stuffed into the back of Rees Odhiambo's trousers, that's on you! Combined with the abolishing of the "Ineligible Receiver" rule, you could have some really interesting formations.

Like these, for instance. Or even these.

Rule Change #3: Mix and Match

  • I like college overtime better. Someday I want to see a tiebreaker in 7th OT somewhere around 4am Sunday Morning. 163-164, Defense fell asleep.
  • I don't like that you're down in college football if the invisible turf monster tackles you. Let the defense at least try to earn their tuition on that play! If they don't tag you, you have free reign to stand up and run down the sidelines saying, "Woo woo woo woo!"
  • I like how the clock stops in college to move the chains. Extra incentive to get that first down quicker and in fewer plays! (I often wonder why teams don't come out running a two-minute drill. They seem to be pretty effective.)
  • Two minute warnings in the NFL also add another clock-management element of strategy, besides giving me a chance to run upstairs and grab more Cheetos since I ate all the ones off the floor already.
  • NFL marching/pep bands would be cool. Give the music geeks a chance to go pro, eh? Really good musicians could get endorsed like athletes, and maybe put a sponsor sticker or two on their sousaphones.
  • "Giving Him the Business" should be a thing.

Rule Change #4: Give College Football a True Playoff

I would argue the most compelling stories in sports are the underdog ones. VCU, Florida Gulf Coast University, George Mason, Butler and other low-seeded teams making it deep into the NCAA Basketball tournament, Rulon Gardner beating human Clydesdale Aleksandr Karelin, who was previously undefeated in 13 years (!) of international wrestling, Rocky Balboa beating Clubber Lang, and of course, our own beloved Broncos beating Oklahoma in the 2007 Fiesta Bowl (among other "power" programs we've humbled).

These stories give the common man something to connect to. A notion that humble circumstances can be made glorious with hard work and dedication is a story we all long to hear. It gives hope, even when... okay, I'm not an inspirational sports writer so let's just say I like it.

Imagine if we allowed every conference champion compete in a 16-team playoff. The "haves" could still get at-large bids into the tournament since they're so fond of ranking themselves highly, while the "have nots" could still get an equal shot at the national title. Every team is a Division I team. It's not as if the G5 teams are playing a different sport, so maybe they should get the same chance the SEC does at a title every year. If the main concern the NCAA has for not having a 16-team playoff is out of concern for the players' health (it's not), just shorten the regular season by a few games! If the players don't want the extra TV exposure and playing time, I just have to counter with, yes they do, doy.

All that being said, we find BSU in a strong position to go to a major bowl in the current system, which is fine for what it is, but I still long for the day when BSU can compete for the National Title (as it stands, it's more likely we will be ranked outside the top four--even with an undefeated record-- since bias is keeping last years' currently undefeated champion sweating about staying in). 'Cause they're not Almighty Alabama.

The Football King says this must change.

What would you change if you were elected Football King or Queen? Comment below.