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Preparing for the Dougpocalypse

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If you're one of those types that believes anything the Mayans tell you, or just someone that takes cheesy Roland Emmerich films too seriously...you may find yourself thinking that the end will come in 2012. While the graduation of Kellen Moore certainly will shake the foundations of the Earth, I'm not convinced that 2012 will usher in doomsday. I do, however, believe that a time of great tribulation is coming to the Mountain West much sooner...that's why it's only fair to help prepare the college football landscape for the upcoming Dougpocalypse.

Woe unto ye unbelievers!

After the jump, I will reveal more about the impending doom, and how one can stay (relatively) safe

Doug Martin is the senior-to-be running back for the Boise State Broncos. He runs a 4.4 40 and bench presses economy cars. He is terrifying, unrelenting and owns pet snakes. Doug Martin is famine, pestilence, war, and death...exactly in that order. If you wish to survive Doug Martin, you must understand Doug Martin. That, in part, is the purpose of this essay.

A few facts about Doug Martin

  • Like a Tyrannosaurus, Martin's vision is based on movement. Unlike a Tyrannosaurus, it is also based on heat, fear, and self-loathing
  • Doug Martin famously slammed a sledgehammer down at midfield of the Kibbie Dome before the 2008 Boise State/Idaho game. The next day, geologists discovered a new fault line running directly through Moscow. They named it the San Martin Fault.
  • A 2010 microburst that felled trees all along Harrison Boulevard was traced back to a phenomenon known as "Doug doing wind sprints"
  • Doug pities Mr. T
  • After watching Martin carry the sledgehammer onto the field, Norse God Thor asked him "Can I borrow that for a minute?"

Common mistakes when dealing with Doug Martin

  • Many defenders attempt to tackle Doug head-on. This is incorrect. The best way to tackle Doug Martin is to lay prostrate on the ground and ask for his mercy and benevolence.
  • Linebackers often try to read the eyes of the quarterback or runningback to determine which way the play might go. DEAR GOD...DO NOT LOOK DOUG MARTIN IN THE EYES!!!
  • Don't assume you'll win a footrace with Martin to the endzone. Also, don't assume that Martin will let you live. 
  • With Martin charging toward the goal line...you might be tempted to step between him and the goal line in an effort to prevent a score. Do not do this. Signed, your sternum and your pride.


How to survive the Dougpocalypse

  • When you see Doug approaching, simply Duck and Cover—which is to say duck under a cement slab and cover yourself in what you'd prefer to be buried in.
  • Earn Martin's mercy. Bring live mice to feed his snakes and a live bison to feed Doug.
  • Don't play for the Vandals.
  • Doug can be soothed by playing slow jams.
  • When the game begins, immediately spot the Broncos 50 points. This may confuse Martin into never taking the field.
  • When defenders are ran over by Martin, many report having out-of-body experiences. See if you can leave your body before trying to tackle Martin.
  • If you play for Boise State or are a fan of Boise State—don't worry. You will be spared.