This week's opponent, the New Mexico State Aggies, have a rich tradition of losing, Bill Gates rich. Seriously, they haven't been to a bowl game since JFK was in office. But why do the Aggies struggle so mightily on the field? Well, I put all of OBNUG's resources into analyzing the Aggies' dire situation and, in a "Eureka moment", found the culprit of their futility: the fight song. Let's break down the lyrics of their depressing anthem and see if we can get to the heart of the problem, shall we?
Aggies, Oh Aggies
Try to recite this first line without having Barry Manilow's Mandy popping into your head.
The hills send back the cry
That's called an echo...not the first thing you want to hear in a football stadium.
We're here to do or die
Those are the only two options? Must've been a lot of fatalities after losing to San José State on Saturday.
Aggies, Oh Aggies
...you came and you gave without takin'...
We'll win this game or know the reason why
The reason why? The ghost of Hal Mumme.
And when we win this game
I think the word you're looking for is "if".
We'll buy a keg of booze
Can we see your collective IDs?
And we'll drink to the Aggies
Just don't take a shot every time the opponent scores...very bad for the liver.
Till we wobble in our shoes
Friends don't let friends party in Las Cruces.
A-G-G-I-E-S
This part is a public service benefitting the adult literacy program.
Aggies, Aggies, go Aggies
Aggies aggies aggies aggies...
Aggies, Oh Aggies
...well you kissed me and stopped me from shakin'...
The hills send back the cry
The hills were angry that day, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli...
We're here to do or die
The latter, if you don't mind.
Aggies, Oh Aggies
...but I sent you away, Oh Aggies...
We'll win this game or know the reason why!
More reasons? Okay—off the top of my head—recruiting, coaching, facilities, players, offensive and defensive schemes, conference, and uh...uniforms.
And...there you have it. The most unintentionally uninspiring tune since Ronnie James Dio's Holy Diver. My advice: take all the Aggie financial resources and hire the firm that wrote this stirring ditty.