Against all odds and against the will of video game Bob Stoops, the Cincinnati Bearcats won the inaugural NCAA Gamecube Playoffs. Congratulations. Free copies of Mario Tennis are in the mail.
The fact that the Bearcats pulled the coup to end all Gamecube coups was amazing, and it forced us to look up a Cincinnati roster from the early 2000s just to make sure we weren't trapped in some hole in the space-time continuum. Our conclusion? It's a tiny hole. Cincinnati's best player from that era might have been Indianapolis Colts linebacker Tyjuan Hagler. That's right, THE Tyjuan Hagler.
Here's how it all went down, starting with the semifinals.
Cincinnati 35, Oklahoma 28
Bob Stoops choked in another big game, but in his defense, he is a rotund black man in NCAA 2004, so he's got bigger issues to sort through. The Bearcats jumped out to a 21-point lead before hanging on and stopping a last-minute Oklahoma drive. It was thrilling, if only because the alternative was us doing chores.
Texas 38, Florida 6
Florida's reign of terror over the Gamecube Playoffs ended in a five-turnover mess against Texas. The Longhorns, and who we assume to be Major Applewhite, took advantage and punched their ticket to the title game. Afterward, we changed the fumble sliders to something a little J.P.-Losman-less.
Gamecube National Championship Game:
Cincinnati 17, Texas 10
All 27 points were scored in the first quarter, leading to a rather boring final three-fourths of the game that had the game announcers (was that Lee Corso?) repeating "There are no plays in the playbook for this down and distance" over and over again. It was actually entertaining after awhile.
We'd like to thank all the imaginary participants in our first annual Gamecube Playoffs. We'll plan on bringing them back next season, unless we get a PS3.