Lacking press credentials and free time, we realized that the chances of a sit-down interview with Southern Mississippi head coach Larry Fedora were looking pretty slim. Then we discovered that we could probably just make up an interview using bits and pieces of Fedora quotes from other articles, and no one would be the wiser. We believe this is called "pulling a Chris Mortensen."
Here now, is that interview:
OBNUG: Good afternon, Coach Fedora. Thank you for agreeing to meet us at a local Dairy Queen. How is your Dilly Bar?
Fedora: I’m very disappointed in it, the players are, our coaching staff, our fans — we’re all disappointed in it.
OBNUG: Well, next time, you should maybe try ordering an Oreo Blizzard. Now, Coach Fedora, how do you plan on stopping Kellen Moore on Saturday? And before we let you answer that, let us point out that this is a trick question. Kellen Moore can't be stopped. He can only choose to let the other team remain close out of the goodness of his heart.
Fedora: Nobody thinks it can be done. He's just an overall good football player.
OBNUG: Well played, Coach Fedora. He is an overall good football player. You know what he reminds us of? The entire A-Team, embodied in a single individual.
Fedora: They're a very good team.
OBNUG: The best. If we could, we'd like to switch gears a little bit and talk about your offense. You have one of the nation's best running backs in Damion Fletcher, a freshman quarterback in Austin Davis, and a talented receiver in DeAndre Brown. Seems like you can attack any number of different ways with your spread offense. We're curious which one of those aspects of your offense you would point to as the most important.
Fedora: Any one of those things you could point to and say it made the difference in the game. It gives the defense problems.
OBNUG: But it's really the Wednesday night Pictionary tournaments that make the offense click, isn't it?
Fedora: Those guys have played, we have played games together now. Always have.
OBNUG: On an entirely unrelated note, did you hear Jared Zabransky got a job at the P.F. Chang's in downtown Boise?
Fedora: He's very talented. You're just seeing the tip of what this kid is going to do in his career at Boise.
OBNUG: We find it very interesting that your mascot is called a Golden Eagle rather than the more basic, regular Eagle. What an inspiration that must be.
Fedora: Obviously he has been the spark for us. He is one of the guys on this football team that is very passionate about the game.
OBNUG: We should hope so. Speaking of inspiring, did you happen to catch the Rachel Ray show this morning?
Fedora: That's what gets you out of bed every morning - gets you motivated, gets you going, gets you to practice hard, gets you to lift hard.
OBNUG: We agree, especially when she makes flan. Let's wrap up with a series of word association questions. You ready? Here we go.
Elementary education, international diplomacy, fuel prices.
Fedora: We have to get a lot better in each of those areas.
OBNUG: Intestinal parasites.
Fedora: We're excited to have them coming in here. I think it's a great situation.
OBNUG: Sex education.
Fedora: There is no inexperience now.
OBNUG: The distance between Boise and Nampa.
Fedora: Not very far.
OBNUG: Dakota Fanning.
Fedora: I think they may be a little surprised at how well that kid is playing.
OBNUG: Marty Tadman.
Fedora: What better could you ask for?
OBNUG: Let's end on that note, Coach Fedora. Thanks for talking with us.
Fedora: Spread and no huddle.
OBNUG: Spread and no huddle to you, too.