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An open letter to Dustin Lapray

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Dear Dustin Lapray,


As diehard Boise State fans and admirers of excessively wordy reporting, let us be the first to say thank you for your informative, expressive, and detailed reports from Boise State football practice. What's that? We're not the first to say thank you? The guys at Bronco Country have already erected a paper mache statue to you in the end zone at East Junior High? Our mistake.


In that case, congraulations on winning over the Bronco Nation fan base in such a short amount of time. By our account, David Augusto is still trying. You have managed to fill a niche that was desperately void up until you and your thesaurus (and your bandana!) came traipsing into town.


RE: the thesaurus, we find it fascinating the words that you have used to describe the Broncos' practices, but we are loathe to admit that we may not know the meanings of some of them. Are the following definitions correct?



  • Bellow: the sound John Gott makes when he bends over


  • Inglorious: a euphemism for the Idaho State game

  • Emulate: we believe you meant to write "Are you late"

  • Azure: an adjective used to describe the quarterback situation

  • Collusion: a Kyle Brotzman tackle attempt



  • Any help on these definitions would be much appreciated.


    Your writing style is certainly unique to the Treasure Valley sports journalism scene, which is probably why you have been met with so much success in these first few weeks. You write as if the fate of the world depended on your ability to fit as many complex sentences into a single paragraph as possible. Seriously, a 40-word sentence? You are all man, Mr. Lapray.


    For sure, the Twin Falls Magic Valley Times News must be thrilled to have you on staff. Who wouldn't love a person who can put the following inside joke about graduation orchestral arrangements into a sentence about Doug Martin and DJ Harper?


    Neither has the grace of Ian Johnson, but they both got pop, and circumstance to spell the All-American.




    LaDustin, you slay us!


    We now must wonder whatever will you do for an encore. Your practice prose has been remarkably outstanding, so we are anxious to see what you will do during the football season. Will we be treated to an extemporaneous essay on the virtues of the "Q" offense? Will you write a play based loosely on the Oregon game? Your audience waits on pins and needles and quick-reference dictionaries.


    Keep up the good work, DL.


    Bellow.


    Sincerely,

    OBNUG


    Ps. Please stop with the vague injury updates (ex. Jeron Johnson may or may not have hurt his foot). We'd hate to have BSU campus security forcibly remove you from practice.