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The Life Coach: Ian Johnson=chick magnet

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The Life Coach believes that there are no stupid questions, just stupid Vandal fans who ask questions. His purpose is to shepherd Bronco Nation to the calm waters of illumination, guiding them through their perfunctory problems with grace, flair, and competent advice. Got a question for the Life Coach? Email him at OneBroncoNationUnderGod@gmail.com.

Dear Life Coach,
I am a girl who loves Boise State football but does not love Ian Johnson. Do I exist?
Confused in Caldwell

No, you don’t. Ian Johnson is the equivalent of Justin Timberlake for N’SYNC. No fourteen-year-old girl watched N’SYNC for Joey or Billy or whoever the other guys were. They watched N’SYNC for Justin. Just like every girl who is a BSU fan watches Boise State football because of Ian Johnson. There is nothing else there to attract them.

You think there are tweeners who just love the beat and feel of N’SYNC’s music? No way. You think there are girls out there who love BSU football for its offensive ingenuity and ability to get big third down stops? No way.

Nearly every girl who watches BSU simply watches because they are hoping that Ian Johnson somehow dumps his wife and asks them to marry him on national TV. Or because they like the blue turf.

Life Coach,
What is an appropriate response to seeing Marty Tadman in the Boise Towne Square Mall Pro Image? I hope you will say "shriek like a little girl, have him sign your undershirt, ask him to be the godparent of your as-yet-to-be-born child and steal a sample of his hair while he's not looking...you know, for cloning purposes." I ask out of curiosity, not out of past incidence.
Creepy in Coeur d'Alene

Just as Marty Tadman is a very unique individual, there is not one response that is uniquely appropriate when seeing Marty in a Pro Image at the mall. Varied responses are acceptable, BUT there is a basic framework that you should try to stay within.

Only scream or gasp once – preferably upon initial realization or contact. Prolonged shrieks and gasps are unsightly and unacceptable.

You may notice his tattoos, but under no circumstances are you to touch them or ask him to show you every tattoo that he has. I mean, he knows they're awesome. That’s why he got them.

Don’t do anything you would regret if your grandmother was watching.

Don’t do anything that would normally require a lawyer (i.e. giving him your kidney, becoming a legalized guardian, stealing his hat, etc.)

Finally, upon departure, do not give him lingering looks through the display window. Marty hates this. It creeps him out. Just be a man and walk away. Walk away.

Mr. Life Coach,
Where does the line for the Kellen Moore bandwagon start?
Jeff Caves in Boise

Start? Where does it end? That’s the question.

There are so many people already a part of this lefty’s fan base that he might be able to form a legitimate mutiny if he doesn’t start. His boyish features and unique style soften the heart of the elderly and inspire those of the younger generation. The Kellen Moore bandwagon is currently a tricked out Honda Element, and there is a long line to get into that compact SUV.

So, my friend, the question is not where does it start. The question is: Where does it end? Because you need to get in line.