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An open letter to the NFL


Dear NFL,

You are a sporting mecca, a world power, a bastion of all that is great about commercialism, success, and propriety. But you are nothing without Marty Tadman.

The former Boise State safety deserves to be a member of your league as much as Ed Hochuli deserves to be drug-tested. Tadman would make a great NFL player. He is tough, smart, dependable, omniscient, tattooed, self-healing, bondable, and awesome. He won't make it rain at strip clubs, and he won't fight dogs for sport. He will, however, always be in the right place at the right time, and he might convert teammates to Christianity.

Still, Tadman sits at home with no offer.

We know this issue is not simply a matter of economics and roster spots. To be sure, we went through the current list of your safeties, and we found the results to be lacking in quality, production, and name recognition. Here are a few:

Hamza Abdullah, Denver Broncos
Twenty-three times Abdullah has appeared in an NFL game; zero times has he intercepted a pass. Also, his last name makes him sound like a genie.

Jordan Babineaux, Seattle Seahawks
In four years, Babineaux has failed to stick in the Seahawks' starting lineup, which is like a 12-year-old having a hard time sticking in fourth grade.

Oliver Celestin, Arizona Cardinals
Celestin's longevity in the league has allowed him to play in 48 career games. At least we think he played in them. He only has 56 career tackles.

Glenn Earl, Houston Texans
Earl did not play in 2007, but the Texans must have been sold on his three interceptions in 31 games. Either that, or they liked the fact that he has two first names.

Vernon Fox, Washington Redskins
For his career, Fox averages 0.85 tackles per game. Great for annual yield on a US Bank checking account; bad for NFL safety.

Eric Smith, New York Jets
Looking at Smith's career stat sheet is like looking in the wallet of hobo. Two career interceptions, one career return yard, zero career sacks, lint.

Cameron Worrell, Miami Dolphins
Worrell has exactly one pass defensed in his five-year career, which is one more than what we have.

We know Marty Tadman can do better because he has done better. In addition to being a demon on special teams and an asset in the return game, here are Tadman's defensive stats from his senior year.
Marty Tadman: 93 total tackles, 57 solo, 36 assists, 2.5 TFLs, 2 INTs, 10 passes defensed, 1 FR, 1 TD, grew a third arm once just for fun
Without a doubt, Tadman belongs in your league, NFL. You have enough issues to worry about between the personal conduct policy, Chad Johnson, rookie contracts, globalization, and long hair.

A lack of Marty Tadman doesn't belong on that list.

Sincerely,
OBNUG