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An open letter to Ryan Clady's friends

Dear friends of Ryan Clady,

Put down the Guitar Hero and listen up: your gravy train is about to leave the station and you don’t want to miss it.

Ryan Clady will be a big-time NFL star in a couple of months, and he will be rich beyond his wildest dreams. In fact, he’ll have so much money, he won’t know what to do with it all.

That is where you come in. As a trusted and loyal friend, you deserve to mooch off his million dollar signing bonus. It is hard work being you, so get paid for it. Ryan will understand; after all, you are his friend.

If you haven’t talked to the guy in a couple weeks, stop whatever you are doing and dial him up right now. Your financial portfolio could be at stake. While you’re at it, tell him that you value his friendship and make up a story about how you protected his name when some punk kids were trying to slander him. He should appreciate that.

If for some reason, he is not feeling very generous come pay day, you may need to actually get a job with him. NFL athletes are always in need of some service, and becoming a rich star means outsourcing a lot of everyday tasks to others. Don’t worry; as a friend, he will expect far less from you than he would a stranger. Here are some possibilities for job openings in Ryan Clady’s entourage:

  • Cook. Can you open a can of Beef-a-roni? Good. That’s a start. Now mix in some Spaghettio’s and call it carb-loading. He’ll like that.
  • Masseuse. Are you an attractive friend of Ryan’s? Good. Then you won’t really need to know how to give a massage.
  • Financial planner. Are you good at Texas Hold’em? Good. Gamble with his signing bonus and tell him you have invested it in Apple, circa 1995.
  • Agent. Have you ever seen Deal or No Deal? Good. Being an agent is just like that, except contract figures are not usually given in suitcases.
  • Bodyguard. Can you look like you bench press 400 pounds? Good. Even if you can’t actually bench that much, it shouldn’t matter; anyone would be stupid to pick on someone as big as Ryan Clady.
  • Personal trainer. Do you own an ab roller? Good. Tell him you’ve invented a new kind of workout using just the ab roller, and throw in a lot of lines about "improving your core" just for good measure.
  • Life coach. Have you ever given anyone advice? Good. Remember to tell him what he wants to hear and actively listen when he is sharing.
  • Various posse. Do you not stick out in a crowd? Good. Just follow Ryan around and try not to get in the way of him having fun.

Well, what are you waiting for? Lesser-prepared mooches are already circling, so don’t miss your chance at monetary sloppy seconds. We’ve given you all the advice you need; now it is your turn to freeload like a pro.

OBNUG team