Your recent suspension from school is equal parts disappointing and deflating. Tim Gilligan would have never done this to us.
We understand that you are an athlete, and as an athlete, you are afforded certain privileges. You cut in line at the cafeteria, you get to talk to Chadd Cripe, and you can have people do your schoolwork for you. We get that. In fact, those reasons alone are why we didn't give up on our college football dreams until an embarrassing episode in our local gym made us realize we could never cut it.
So while we are not completely appalled at your plagiarism, we are still annoyed at what happened. How could you? How could you...get caught. We think that if you are going to cheat, you should make sure you cover all your bases. And that, Jeremy, is where you have let us down.
Well, we are here to help you. Specifically, we are here to help you cheat. Whoever you had writing papers for you in the past is obviously no good. We can provide original content, and while we do not guarantee good grades (we don't like reading), we can assure you that no one will ever mistake your work for someone else's.
We may not know a lot about a lot of things, but we certainly know a little about a lot of things. Here is a list of classes and potential papers that can be yours if you only ask:
Biology: Would someone cure cancer already?!
Chemistry: E=mc Hammer: the life and times of chemistry's brother from another mother
Sociology: Five billion people and we can't find anyone to get my order right at McDonald's?
Finance: What's the deal with subprime mortgages?
Economics: Benefits of the $3 bill
Health: What Powerade does for your body that a multivitamin never could (complete with visual aid)
Theater: Acting is for weirdos
Graphic design: Double entendres of the Nike logo
If you have additional classes that are not on this list, please let us know so that we can start doing research. We want you to succeed, and if that means doing a science project on hamsters, then we are more than willing to make that sacrifice.
All the best,
Photo courtesy Idaho Statesman