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Childs suspension...with perspective!

Let’s put this thing into context.

We here at OBNUG do not condone Jeremy Childs’ indiscretions. Cheating is wrong, and the only thing it ever leads to is cold, empty nights searching for the innocence you lost…and the occasional perfect season.

But just where does cheating rank in the arena of immorality? I mean, Childs didn’t commit murder (notwithstanding his reputation and the Hawaii Bowl), but his sins were obviously larger than a little white lie in a media guide. How is one to compare his shenanigans to those of DUI Dinwiddie? And does anyone even use the word shenanigans anymore?

Trouble and temptation are everywhere for big-time college athletes, and even those who play in the WAC are subject to the devil’s advances. Unfortunately, Childs bit the forbidden apple from the Spark notes tree, and he has had to live with the consequences. Let’s just be thankful that it wasn’t something more serious.

Below, we have compiled a list of various ne’er-do-welling and ranked the misadventures from cute to criminal. Enjoy.

  1. Streaking a women’s basketball game. Everyone loves a good streaker, especially when said streaker is breaking up the monotony of bounce passes and missed, flat-footed lay-ups. Streaking women’s b-ball shouldn’t be a crime; it should be an achievement.
  2. Prank calling Idaho Sports Talk with Caves and Prater. The only time this one is reproachable is if it is done poorly. No "is your refrigerator running" or impersonations of Dirk Koetter. A tasteful, clever prank is always appreciated, especially if Caves and Prater are the targets.
  3. Cheating. Childs’ offense would fit in this spot in the countdown. His was a victimless crime, unless you consider a young man’s future a victim. Obviously, as you will see below, he could have done a lot worse.
  4. Telling your girlfriend she looks good in that tube top when, really, she do not. Girls know when you’re lying to them. And hell hath no fury like a women scorned. Someone told me that once; I think it was my wife.
  5. Giving 105 percent out of a possible 110 percent. What are you saving that extra five percent for? You selfish jerk.
  6. Losing the Hawaii Bowl. Some people can’t help but lose lower-tier bowl games. We call them the Sun Belt. But when upper echelon programs riding the wave of national popularity bite the big one and look bad doing it, then this crime turns downright felonious.
  7. Soliciting sex in an airport bathroom. Take it from Larry Craig: this one hurts. Reputations, heterosexual relationships, and careers are ruined if someone is caught doing this. (Note: careers may or may not be ruined if one is a politician.)
  8. Playing well-below expectations following a Heisman-worthy season. The fans are the ones hurt most by this crime. They buy all your merchandise, tell all your friends about you, and then watch as you run for 10 yards on four carries and take yourself out of the game because your ankle hurts. The person guilty of this crime has some serious work to do to make up for it. Ahem.