An open letter to my personal seat usher at the Bronco Stadium open house

Boise State is letting people come into Bronco Stadium and pick seats tomorrow. Sounds like a perfect opportunity to touch things I'm not supposed to touch.

Dear seat usher,

I would like to apologize in advance for sitting in the Boise State helmet car.

When you invite the public to tour Bronco Stadium, you invite chaos, specifically in the form of people like me not following directions.

Don't touch the trophy case? Sorry, I didn't hear you; I was trying to fit my head inside the MAACO Bowl chalice.

The Stueckle Sky Center is off limits? You'll have to repeat that; the acoustics are rough inside this Stueckle Sky Center elevator.

Please stay within my sight? I can't hear you over here (I'm inside the unfinished football complex, writing my name on the wall).

In other words, I do not envy you. Wrangling the unwashed masses will require a Herculean effort and probably a stun gun or two. When that family of four tries to take down the goalposts, you will need drastic measures. And while you're doing that, everyone else you are responsible for will have disappeared into the bowels of the stadium, doing God knows what and taking stuff home with them. Like the Dip ‘n Dots station. Someone will bogart the Dip ‘n Dots station.

Are you ready for anarchy?

You're right, we are here to look at seats. It is an open house, not a zoo. You are a gatekeeper, not a babysitter. I am an adult, not a child or goon or crazy person. There is every chance that this Boise State event can be handled with civility and order and---GET OUT OF MY WAY THAT GUY KINDA LOOKS LIKE CHRIS PETERSEN I MUST ASK HIM A MILLION QUESTIONS!

Sorry.

It was not Chris Petersen.

While I'm at it, I should probably also pre-apologize for other things my friends and I will totally do once you free us into the stadium. I'm sorry for getting behind the counter of the snack bar and looking for peanut M&Ms. I'm sorry for unscrewing a chair seat. I'm sorry for feeding the Bronco horse a taco. I'm sorry for bringing scissors and cutting off some turf as a keepsake. I'm sorry that loud man started the "Boise!" "State!" chant (sincerely, I despise the chant in non-game settings as much as anyone). I'm sorry I locked myself in Bob Kustra's skybox suite. I'm sorry I pulled your shirt over your head and made a beeline for a stranger I thought was Jay Ajayi.

I am a monster. We are monsters.

On a related note, I will not be purchasing Boise State season tickets this season because I am poor and have no money.

Thanks in advance for the tour. See you next year.

Sincerely,

Kevan

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