1. Complete denial
Chris Petersen will never leave Boise State, not for a billion dollars, not for Cadillacs for every assistant coach, not for national titles, not for anything. There is nothing that will ever sway him from his predestined throne on Broadway Ave. He was born to coach here. He was forged out of steel to wear that Bronco hat and glower into that Idaho sky. He will coach Boise State forever and ever, until the Rapture, until Armageddon, until college football ceases to exist because NCAA Commissioner of Feelings Jessica Alba deems it too dangerous. Other schools might as well just stop asking him if he wants the job because no, he doesn't want the job, he doesn't want any job, he's staying here forever and don't even make me think about the possibility of his leaving.
Do you guys remember the Mississippi State rumor? Oh man! That was a laffer.
Snore. Wake me when it's over. We do this every year; come February, all the head coach openings will have been filled and Chris Petersen will still be wearing blue and orange (but mostly blue) and all those unnamed sources will feel like complete boobs for thinking otherwise. It is tradition. It is like clockwork. It is boring. I'll be eating a sandwich and taking a nap if you need me.
4. Righteous indignation
How dare USC try to pry Chris Petersen from Boise State. Who do they think they are?! These big shots think they can just roll in to a Denver airport Chili's, flash some Benjamins, bat their eyes, and take whatever/whoever they want. Well they can't! They'll get the sizzling fajitas and that's all. Coach Pete is staying with us! Go back to the gold-plated, 68,000-square-foot hole you crawled out of, you metropolitan jackals.
(This response reserved for Idaho fans.)
(This response reserved for Idaho fans with G.I. problems.)
I should have appreciated Coach Pete more when he was here. Curse me and my reckless insensitivity. I will never forgive myself for questioning his late-game management skills against TCU in 2011. I should have danced as if no one was watching, loved as if I had never been hurt before, sang as if no one could hear me, and lived as if heave was on earth.
8. Feigned interest
Oh, right. I'm a Boise State fan. I'm supposed to care about these things. Loud noises!
Track a private jet, leaving Boise, headed for the SeaTac airport. Stalk Adam Jude on Twitter. Join a Washington message board under the alias TuiasosoPete. Refresh BroncoSports.com for press release RE: coaching rumors. Read super into comments made by Bob Kustra. Phone the UW athletic director. Drive by Coach Pete's house every hour on the hour. Live on the Idaho Statesman home page. WHEEEEE, OBSESSION IS FUN. I JUST LOST MY JOB BECAUSE I WAS ON THE INTERNET TOO MUCH LOOKING FOR CHRIS PETERSEN NEWS.
Hmm, there do seem to be some strong ties to Coach Pete and this new job. I can see why it might be an attractive job. I'd be willing to explore the opportunity if I were him. (Relief knowing that I am nowhere near the person he is. I own a Gamecube, for instance.)
11. Abject terror
THIS IS THE BIG ONE! Batten down the hatches, prepare the goodbye speech, order the Christmasgram. There are too many sources and too much conjecture for this to be anything other than a sure thing. Look at these tea leaves! They are practically reading themselves! I know the past 100 times have been false alarms, but this one? It's practically screaming, "Sure thing!" Has an INSIDE SOURCE ever been wrong? Has JOE SCHAD ever led us astray? This is happening people, so you better wrap your mind around it. He's gone, he's gone, he's gone. Wake Forest will be better for having him.