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Boise State by the Numbers 2: The Numberening


After a sabbatical in a Confucian monastery located high in the steep hills of Iowa, I have returned with the powers of statistical understandings and numerical countings to once more teach you the power of scientific learnings. Come with me on a journey into the future. Remember, you can argue with opinions, but not with numbers because numbers are not alive.

D.J. Harper is so elusive, he has avoided NCAA Eligibility rules. See also: Gavins, Jerrell.

Dan Paul sat out last year with an injury. That injury, unfortunately for opponents, was Gamma Radiation exposure.

Dan Paul was not given one of the banners outside of Bronco Stadium because no banner can contain him.

Both Michigan State and Boise State are replacing quarterbacks. One quarterback is the all-time winningest. The other was drafted.

Michigan State's new quarterback is also likely terrible.

Michigan State has not been to the Rose Bowl since 1988. This stat is sad.

The state of Michigan is an empty wasteland of all-consuming hopelessness and despair. Unlike Oregon and Virginia, which were turned into those things after their games with Boise State.

Michigan State wanted to open the year with a cupcake, but was saddened to learn they already have Minnesota on the schedule.

Michigan State has an amazing running back. He will rush for -14 yards in the opener, because that is what amazing running backs do against Boise State.

BYU does not have an amazing running back. What they do have, though, is a phobia of stadiums near rivers and archaic social regulations.

The Air Raid was perfected at BYU. It was then kicked off of campus and excommunicated for being fun.

BYU is an independent school, like Notre Dame. Also like Notre Dame, they are still trapped in the 80s.

Idaho is thinking about going independent. This will make them both the "Harvard of the Palouse" and the "Temple of the Palouse."

Right now, Matt Miller is wide open. This will not change in the next year.

Boise State does not rebuild. Contrary to popular belief, they also do not reload. They have an infinite ammo cheat.

Boise State lost a home game last year. Therefore it is mathematically impossible that they will lose another one this year.

Boise State runs the 4-2-5 defense because TCU was doing it wrong. Boise State runs the Pistol offense because Nevada was doing in wrong.

Boise State's coaches are currently asking the NCAA if halfback handoffs to pulling guards who then throw forward passes to tight ends disguised as band members is legal. Michigan State's coaches are currently studying Boise State film while openly weeping.

Jerrell Gavins is currently shadowing an F-22 Raptor. He is not impressed.

Mitch Burroughs is currently stealing a soda out of your fridge. Now he is at a music festival in Montana. Now he is enjoying your soda in Hong Kong at his favorite little dim sum place.

And with that, another By The Numbers is done for another year. In the immortal words of Hyram P. Truthsmith, "Stats cannot tell a lie." And with these datas to look at and understand, we can all move forward as more informed and ensmartened fans.

This content was not created by OBNUG and therefore may not meet our standards. On the contrary, it probably exceeds them.

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