The readership will recall how earlier I was humiliated to discover the second possible use for the Idaho Statesman. After years of saying its only use was as birdcage liner,I was mortified to learn one could actually use curled up portions of the Statesman, strategically placed UNDER (note this) kindling, to light fires in one's firepit. The readership was very kind in its response; merciful is not an overwrought description. But I can expect neither kindness nor mercy now;indeed, I shall refuse it should it be tendered. Allow me to explain.
It started, innocently enough, in the garage. My son has been staying with us and I noticed his Mazda 626 had been leaking oil. I was pondering this when my lovely wife Susan, she of the recent rescue of yours truly,ambled up. Eyeing the situation, she said, cheerfully:"Why not put the Idaho Statesman under his oil pan to collect it?"
I nearly keeled over. A third use of the Statesman,the Statesman, which is now recycling the treacly maudlin navel-gazing reminiscences of Tim Woodward, which were bad enough the first time around but now are foisted off in an apparent attempt at avoiding hiring another dreary worthless journalism graduate? No, it could not be.In fact the unread Statesman (its preferred form) is actually better at soaking up oil as the unexposed pages retain more structural intergity and thus are more absorbent. But it gets worse.
Seeing my discomfort, and worried I might have eaten another ham sandwich, Susan asked what's wrong? I blurted out "A third use for the Statesman...", and before I could get out more, my dear life-saving wife said "Oh, and I use it to clean mirrors and glass-it's perfect."
What more can I say? Was I spared a ham-sandwich-choking death only to be subjected to this? Should I emulate French Gen.Navarre, the commander of the French army at Dien Bien Phu who, upon realizing that his static defensive scheme had played right into the hands of the Viet Minh and his forces were now trapped and about to be bombed/starved into submission, who announced "I am thoroughly discredited", who then placed his French revolver against his temple,pulled the trigger,and,for the first time in recorded history, it actually worked?
Perhaps that is too extreme. I accept the OBNUG Committee on Standards & Practices suspension, effective immediatley and going until 8/8/11 at 1:00 a.am.Please kcam-file no appeal. My punishment is just (ref King Herod,the tetrarch of Gallilee, not his grandfather Herod the Great, in "I,Claudius"; he is also called Herod Antipas).
This content was not created by OBNUG and therefore may not meet our standards. On the contrary, it probably exceeds them.