In light of the OSU’s latest revered coach demise, James Tressel’s violation of very understandable and specific rules, the-OSU president Gordon Gee has issued a press-release concerning a comment made late last year. The phrase “Little-Sisters of the Poor” issued from Gee’s lips over the course of the last college football season in response to pre-bowl selection posturing of big-moneyed Big Ten to further squash the rather good chances of teams like Boise State University’s Broncos from entering a BCS or the National Championship. His phrase created quite a stir of media activity and blog-buzz around the country, if not local stellar galaxies. Reportedly, while Gee was seemingly apologetic after being challenged about it at the time, it was later discovered that his actual remorse was in not Trade-Marking ™ his phrase so he could bill ESPN’s biggest tools, Mark May and Craig James, as each rejoindered it like an Al Qaeda terrorist with a fully loaded AK-47. The originally disparaging remark intended to deflate and disspirit da lesser FBS teams of the WAC and MWC in fact became magic shoulder-chip-inflation juice, which when mixed with the powerful BSU team, caused them to again win a championship, receive high ratings, make millions for other schools and broadcasters, transfer into a stronger conference, and lead by example the patient endurance of SEC idolatry for yet another consecutive year. While the inflammatory remarks of the-OSU’s esteemed demonic high-priest were apparently neutralized, Gee’s comment nonetheless became a lightning-rod of focused attention on the continuing battle of words, despite the actual losses on the field, between the haves and the have-nots. Gee’s new verbal sword of mystic power quickly drew other arrogant admirers in AQ pundits’ ADs, presidents, and media tools. Conversely, the so-called “Non-AQ” organizations were able to shrug off such sticks-and-stones tactics with relative ease, choosing instead to win the majority their respective bowl games within reach at the time. Maybe as a means to test such age-old adages, maybe because doing what comes naturally is unavoidable, but “actions speak louder than words”, “putting-up or shutting-up”, “ taking care of business”, “eat your own words”, or “stupid is as stupid does” didn’t seem to register with such highly educated and highly placed gargoyles like Gordo. His day of come-uppance has recently been orchestrated by his very own lieutenant-demon, little Jimmy Tressel; possibly in an attempt to overthrow Gee’s plush kingdom, but obviously a backfired venture as now there don’t seem to be enough feet to plug the mouths of all the-OSU sprites submitting their own versions of illegalities before someone else beats them to the state’s-evidentiary Let’s-Make-A-Deal antics.
Gee has released a statement of acknowledgement that only his [sic] mouth is more out control than his [sic] athletic department or his [sic] academic excellence. Gee now publically withdraws his “Little-Sisters-of-the-Poor” remark, denounces all commercial rights to any Trade-Mark ™ attempts, and is willing to sit on the edge of his bed at attention under the strict house arrest rules of his parents. With parents flanking him close behind and palms covering his ears, Gee says, “I would like to apologize, I mean I do apologize to BSU, the BSU Broncos, BSU Alumni, BSU Student Body and every previously ignored…errrr…purposefully oppressed mid-major institution, that my demon-stration of power…errr…despisement and arrogance was disproportional….arrrrr! …I mean disrespectful to the spirit of the sacred flame in the lamp of learning everywhere. Further more, for being unjustly richly bestowed beyond all reason (fubrbbar), our chasm…errr… realm…arrrrr! publically-funded institution had and has by the blessed hand of a loving and forgiving beast…ARRRG! I mean Maker…geeeze mom…the responsibility to assist in fostering a healthy growth and relationship with other academia and sports programs. My subordinate-demon….ARRRRR, mmommm?!...good friend Jim-Bob Tressel’s admission of conspiracy and ineptness has surprised us all, but has also served as a fundamental life lesson for every arrogant bastard-geek like me…that…unless…we…listen…to…owwww! remember…our…own…stupidity… in… getting caught…AAAAGGGHHH!!!! (sorry…dad) , in…making pointless…mistakes…of…thinking…we’re…better…than…someone…else…, that we’ll end up as the biggest losers in the history of all the world.”
Gee’s retractment may yet avert a DOJ inquiry, but experts, and others like Gee’s personal masseuse, think it’s a case of “wow, that’s so un-godly little”, and too late. Gordo’s below-the-knee amputation at the hands of his ex-trusted sidekick Jimmy-forked-tongue-Tressel has forced the humbling of one of the nation’s, no, the most arrogant campus in the nation. This self-implosion by such highly self-exalted sanctimonious hypocrites lends insight into their personality and psychology such that all the finger-pointing previously executed at others was all a well devised sham, hiding the fact that they themselves were the incompetent, insecure, sniveling, morons they accused the truly innocent of being. What’s the Gee-spot going to do next? He hasn’t said, but speculum… errr speculation believes he is in for more probing inquiries into the repository of his most private chamber and its hidden secrets.
Meanwhile, the U.S. intelligence communities are fast preparing for a new wave of spider-hole filling before Jimmy the T apologizes for leaving the NCAA hearing to go to the men’s restroom. Film at eleven.