The option in football is what fighting a leftie is in boxing; even a far superior conventional fighter looks lousy against a southpaw (ref "Rocky" I-VI). The option is equivalent to 2 chess players trading queens in the opening moves, thus reducing the game to a dreary set match based on pawn (read yawn) development.The option is equivalent, in war, to a WWI Verdun-style ugly nasty trench warfare,the triumph of attrition over glory, a contest for mere survival where the outcome is never glimpsed and ultimately not even imagined by those trapped in it.
I compared it initially to getting a circumcision/colonoscopy; that was off. It's more like going to Mexico for dental work and having some Tijuana poser with watered-down novocaine and a set of lousy x-rays that he can't read drilling on every single tooth in your head while you, partially numb but still aware of the low level throbbing pain and pressure, squirm in the chair, content to let the situation play out whilst the monotonous droning drill worms its way into your very skull and then ZAP!!! the idiot quack dentist hits a nerve and you jolt from the chair, electrified in the moment with the exquisite sharp needle-like intensity of a nerve hit directly registering in your brain while his slatternly slutty ersatz dental "assistant" tries to reassure you in broken English that "heets hohkay", her breath redolent of the rat-meat taco she's gotten from a street vendor whose grill wouldn't pass muster in a Calcutta whorehouse.
MUNSON IN HELL I die and go to Hell, where I meet the Devil. "Hello Lucifer; you look smaller in person." "I hear that all the time, Tom. Look, you're in Hell. We both know why. That's the bad news. The good news is while the Big Guy didn't have anything to say, the karma gods put in a plug for ya', and I'm partial to those little dudes. So here's the deal: you're going to have the option (the hairs in the back of my neck stand up at the very mention of that word)of choosing your eternal damnation. Let's go."
We head to a big cavern and there is Option 1, The Inferno, just like in my Catholic catechism, flames, coal, dudes stepping on each other forcing their heads right down into it,devils with red-hot pitch forks giving it up the you-know to everyone right and left. (I shudder) Lucifer:"Yeah, we call it Hell Classic, more or less the old style stuff.We've left it pretty much the same since its Inception;hey,why mess with perfection?"
We leave and head towards Option II, which I can smell WELL before I can see it. It's just a pit, full of bull(bw), and out of it I can see feet sticking up, maybe an inch or so of ankle; some have socks that appear to be the same as those worn by the refs at last Saturday's game. "That's it?" I say. Lucifer nods. "All eternity-like that?" He nods again. "What do the people in there think about it?" "Dunno',don't care" he responds.
We head to Option III, which I am surprised to find is the Kibbie Dome.Standing outside, while it's absolutely quiet, I can tell a game is being played (silence during a game being a Kibbie Dome tradition because no one is in attendance).There is an inscription above the entrance that reads "Abandon All Hope" which of course is a useful Vandal mindset.Puzzled, I ask "Can I look inside?" "No, you have to choose based on what you see here and what you have seen before. And, once you choose, it's final."
So there I am, in Hell, with the Devil Himself, having to choose my punishment. I equivocate, until finally he says "Look, make up your mind- we haven't got forever; well, actually, we do, but you're pissing me off."
I calculate my options (ugh!- hate that word) quickly. Burning Hell-no way. Upside down in bull(bw) forever-no can do. So I say-"I'll take Option 3".
Suddenly I find myself inside the Kibbie Dome, quiet and tomb like as usual, and, yes, there, as I suspected, are the Vandals on the field playing some unknown unnamed anonymous team and getting their asses kicked. But what's this? The opposing team is running THE OPTION over and over and over and over and over and over and over(well, you get the picture)!!!NO!!!!NO!!! I WILL BE FORCED TO WATCH THE OPTION FOR ALL ETERNITY RUN AGAINST THE VANDALS WHO CAN NO MORE STOP IT THAN MOTHER THERESA COULD GIVE BIRTH TO A KANGAROO!!! I HEARD SATAN LAUGHING WITH DELIGHT!!!!(ref "American Pie" Don McClean @1971)