Remember when Boise State beat Utan in the Las Vegas Bowl? Yeah, that was a long time ago. For reasons that are part holiday-related and part communication-related, the Utah blog bet never got posted - much to society's detriment. So I am here to right those wrongs because a blog bet posted on our own blog is better than a blog bet posted nowhere.
Here now, the Utah blog bet.
Scene: Pregame of the MAACO Bowl Las Vegas. Boise State and Utah players come together at midfield.
Allen Mooney: Nice carry, Eddie Wide. Does your husband play?
Eddie Wide: Your mom plays.
Mooney: No, your mom!
Wide: Your mom!
OBNUG: Something about Mormons!
Mooney and Wide come to blows. The rest of the players from each team start brawling at midfield. Zane Taylor pancakes Brad Elkin. Byron Hout breaks his foot cast over Matt Asiata's head. Joe Phillips gets trampled. Dan Paul stabs someone with a trident.
Kellen Moore: That's enough! You people should be ashamed of yourselves. Punching each other, calling each other names. There is a woman here, for goodness' sake!
Wide: Oh, that's not a woman. That's Chaz Walker.
Moore: My apologies. You look like a homeless Ellen Page.
Chaz Walker: Yeah, I get that a lot.
Moore: Look people, violence is not the answer. We are college football players, not animals. There are better ways to work out our problems.
Bill Hancock enters.
Hancock: I know. Let's have computers decide.
Computers enter. Computers pick Middle Tennessee State. Computers leave.
Hancock: Well, my work here is done.
Bill Hancock leaves. Paula Abdul enters.
Abdul: OMG you guys. Let's have a sing-off.
Shea McClellin performs Handel's Messiah in its entirety as a rap. Dave Kruger performs a choreographed routine of Billy Ray Cyrus's "I'm Too Sexy."
Abdul: You are all such beautiful people. What inspiring performances that inspired the inspirational inspiration in all of us. You are all winners when you look deep inside your hearts. I have to go give a bird a hug.
Paula Abdul leaves. Tom Rinaldi enters.
Rinaldi: An update on Kyle Brotzman: He's standing here next to me. I'd describe his mood as smugly ambivalent with a hint of gassy.
Tom Rinaldi leaves. OBNUG's third grade teacher Mrs. Kretz enters.
OBNUG: Mrs. Kretz. It's me. OBNUG. Mrs. Kretz!
Mrs. Kretz: I have no idea who you are.
OBNUG: I was speed drill champion in your class. My cursive p's looked like q's. You told me I would make something of myself some day, so I started a blog.
Mrs. Kretz: Security!
Mrs. Kretz: Time for a spelling test, students. Titus Young, your word is "magnificent."
Titus Young: T-I-T-U-S-Y-O-U-N-G. Wassup yall!
Mrs. Kretz: Uh, no. DeVonte Christopher, your word is "buoyancy."
DeVonte Christopher: Ha, buoyancy. More like girlancy. They a bunch of bobbers. LOL.
Mrs. Kretz: Oh dear.
Mrs. Kretz leaves. David Augusto enters.
Augusto: Backrub train!
David August leaves.
Tom Bergeron and Samantha Harris of Dancing With the Stars enter.
Tom Bergeron: America's Funniest Home Videos, what??
Samantha Harris (man voice): OH TOM YOU'RE SO FUNNY.
Tom Bergeron: Let's dance.
Doug Martin steps forward and does a complete, one-man rendition of the Nutcracker, using only a mixture of tap dance and krumping. Matt Asiata counters with a traditional Samoan number, featuring the ghosts of his dead ancestors. Channing Tatum enters and does the Dougie.
Samantha Harris: I WANT TO CARRY YOU ALL AROUND IN MY POCKET AND BUY YOU MINIATURE MATCHING OUTFITS.
Tom Bergeron: Join us next week for the three-hour results show.
Tom Bergeron and Samantha Harris leave. Tom Rinaldi enters.
Rinaldi: The latest on Kyle Brotzman: He's eating a sandwich while listening to his iPod. What courage. America, this is your hero.
Tom Rinaldi leaves. Joe Rogan enters.
Rogan: Eat this plate of baloney, Idaho Spud bars, stuff I found in a dumpster out back of the Mirage, McRibs, Mark May humble pie, hair, and shards of glass.
Zane Taylor eats all of it. Billy Winn eats all of it.
Rogan: OK, you guys are pretty good.
Joe Rogan leaves.
OBNUG: I know. Let's have a Minesweeper battle!
Stephen Hawking: Nerd alert!
A computer is brought out to midfield. OBNUG begins pacing nervously back and forth. Kellen Moore steps forward to give a motivational speech.
Moore: Listen to me. Mine sweeping is what you love. It is who you were born to be. And here you sit, thinking. Well, OBNUG is not a thinker. OBNUG is a miner. He is a doer. And that's what you need to do. You don't need to think. You need to mine. You need to grab a hold of that line between mines and chaos, and you need to wrestle it to the ground like a demon cobra! And then, when the fear rises up in your belly, you use it. And you know that fear is powerful, because it has been there for billions of years. And it is good. And you use it. And you ride it; you ride it like a skeleton horse through the gates of hell, and then you win, OBNUG. You WIN! And you don't win for anybody else. You win for you, you know why? Because a man takes what he wants. He takes it all. And you're a man, aren't you? Aren't you?
OBNUG clicks a mine.
Tom Rinaldi enters.
Rinaldi: Kyle Brotzman just told me that he was Myst champion in his third grade class. Incredible! It puts the lotion on its skin!
Tom Rinaldi leaves. Aslan enters.
Aslan: My children, you have battled a long time. You have fought strong and fair. Be proud of yourselves for what you have accomplished here on this field. Still, someone must come away from today victorious. I am going to sacrifice my life so that someone will win, and that someone is Boise State because I have always secretly been a Bronco fan.
Moore: No, I won't let you do it.
Aslan: You must. There is no other way.
Moore: There is one way ...
Kellen Moore and Aslan look into each other's eyes. OBNUG weeps quietly in the background.
Moore: Utah players, I am offering my statistics as a sacrifice. If we decide this on the field, I will give you a sack-fumble and an interception, both in Boise State territory in the first quarter. These are my terms.
Terrance Cain: I'm good with that.
Eddie Wide: It's a deal.
Christian Cox: I promise a victory.
Tom Rinaldi enters.
Rinaldi: Let's not forget the true hero here: Kyle Brotzman.
Tom Rinaldi leaves.
Boise State and Utah players return to their sidelines, and the Las Vegas Bowl gets underway. As promised, Kellen Moore gives up two turnovers in the first quarter, but Utah fails to take advantage. Boise State wins 26-3. Tom Rinaldi gets a Henna tattoo of Kyle Brotzman.