FanPost

Blog bet for Hawaii. Yes, it exists.

Several weeks back, Boise State beat Hawaii and I dropped the ball on making good on a blog bet. Well consider that ball picked up. Here is the blog bet for the Hawaii game. Enjoy.


Scene: The interview room following Boise State's 42-7 win over Hawaii. Bryant Moniz and Greg McMackin are at the podium.

McMackin: ... and that's how Charlie Weis and I became best friends. But not in a gay way!

McMackin takes a swig from a two-liter of Diet Coke.

McMackin: More Diet Coke over here!
Max Corbet: Houseboy! Bring us more Diet Coke!

Ryan Larrondo goes to fetch more Diet Coke.

Dustin Lapray: Mr. Moniz, if I may trouble you with a query. The ravages of time and space hold no court with the pernicious peril of staring into the abyss of a Boise State zone blitz. What is man, whence the world he inhabits reduces his work to dust. And dust to dust and eye to eye and evermore to evermore he wanders, thirsting for the sweet nectar of impertinent meaning. The laughter of a child - so innocent, so affable - is the true gift of living. The sun will rise, the moon will set, and mankind will be found wanting. How come you guys only had 79 yards in the first half?
Moniz: Man, let me tell you. That Boise State defense was tough. They never let up. I made a lot of poor reads in coverage, and our line never really stood a chance. I wish I had known how tough it was going to be. If I could only go back in time ...

Just then, Kellen Moore and Shea McClellin enter the room to the music of Bruce Springsteen and heavy fog. OBNUG operates the dry ice machine.

McClellin: Did someone say time travel?

OBNUG bangs a gong.

Moniz: I did. I wish I could go back to the past to warn myself how bad things are going to get today.
Moore: You're in luck, Bryant Moniz. I solved the mystery of the space-time continuum between series of the Toledo game. I had some time to kill. The desk you're sitting at just happens to be a time desk.
Lapray: How condign. Bellow!
McClellin: Kellen and I have been time traveling ever since.
Moore: Bryant, we want to help you - mostly because our hearts are inherently good but also because Shea feels bad for sitting on you so many times during today's game.
McClellin: No offense.
Moore: But Bryant, this trip is about more than just warning your past self about future pain. There are important lessons you need to be taught. If you do not learn from history, you are doomed to repeat it.
OBNUG: Spiderman!
Moore: No, that was Winston Churchill.
OBNUG: Oh right. My bad.

Awkward silence. OBNUG bangs the gong again to break the uncomfortable silence.

Moniz: OK, I think I'm ready.
McClellin: Then hang on tight. Here we go!

The time desk rumbles and shakes as media members dive for cover in the press room. Greg McMackin huddles in the corner, clutching his Diet Coke in one hand and Ryan Larrondo in the other. With a loud pop, the time desk evaporates into thin air.

Lapray: Irascible youths! This is so going on my ironic Tumblr page.

The time desk flies through time and space, landing on a University of Hawaii practice field in 2004. Timmy Chang throws passes to Democratic Presidential nominee John Kerry. Both are wearing tracksuits because that was cool in 2004.

Moore: Timmy Chang, what is up?
Chang: Kellsy, long time no see.

Bro hugs.

McClellin: How's it going, man?
Chang: Just keeping it real, Shea McClellin.

Bro hugs.

OBNUG: Slap it high!
Chang: I don't know who you are.

Restraining order.

Chang: And you must be Bryant Moniz.
Moniz: Sure am. Man, you are one of my idols. I love watching tape of you from college.
Chang: I know, right. But listen up. I don't want you going down the same path I did. It only leads to pain and CFL tryouts. It's not good times. Get out of college football while you can. So long as Boise State is on the schedule, nothing good can happen to you. They will expose you and beat you and take away your will to live. Life is too short. Why subject yourself to pain like that? Now come on, let's have a catch. Shirts off, bros.
OBNUG: What about UV shirts?
Moniz: But Timmy, it's too late. I've already played Boise State. And they totally destroyed my self-confidence and will to play football.
Chang: Did you throw four picks or something?
Moniz: No. I didn't throw any. But I did look like garbage for three quarters before getting pulled.
Chang: Fair enough. Tell you what. If you stick with football, you can expect to get drafted by the Rams, play two meaningful quarters of preseason football, have a sandwich named after you at a Maui diner, and be BFFs with Stephen Tsai. And that's as good as it gets.
Moniz: Oh man, that is the pits.
Moore: Come along, Bryant. We have more places to visit, and we're running out of time.

Moore, McClellin, Moniz, and OBNUG say good-bye to Timmy Chang and hop in the time desk. They are transported to a Hawaii barbershop in 2007. Colt Brennan is getting the Hawaiian islands died into his hair.

Brennan: Bryant, I am your father.
Moniz: Wait. How is that even possible?
McClellin: To the time desk!

Moore, McClellin, Moniz, and OBNUG hop in the time desk. They are transported to the 2007 Hawaii-Georgia Sugar Bowl, two minutes before kickoff.

McClellin: Here we are, Bryant. The highest mark ever in Hawaii football history.
Moniz: How great is this?
Moore: Oh, we better go. They're kicking off. It's all downhill from here.

Moore, McClellin, Moniz, and OBNUG hop in the time desk.

Moore: I hope you don't mind. I just have to run a few errands.

The time desk transports the group to 1740 New England.

Moore: I told Benjamin Franklin I would bring a veggie platter to his party. What up, FrankenBen?
Benjamin Franklin: Kellen Moore, fine sir. What is up with yourself? Shea McClellin, greetings to you. I see you guys brought that albino kid with you again.
OBNUG: Franky-franks. What are the haps?

Restraining order.

Moniz: Hi, Mr. Franklin. I'm Bryant Moniz.
Franklin: Pleasure to meet you. Do you like freestyle ballroom dancing? DJ Jazzy John Hancock, lay down some beats.

Moore, McClellin, Moniz, and OBNUG tear up the dance floor. Moore gives George Washington some life coaching, pens a rough draft of the Declaration of Independence, and invents electricity only to let Benjamin Franklin take all the credit.

Moore, McClellin, Moniz, and OBNUG hop in the time desk. They are transported to 1876 and the Battle of Little Bighorn.

Moore: General Custer, you should probably get out of here.
General Custer: You don't know me.

Custer gives Kellen Moore snaps around the world. Dies.

Moore, McClellin, and Moniz hop in the time desk. They are transported to 2003 White House and straight into the Oval Office.

Moore: Hey there, George Bush. Saddam Hussein is hiding in a spider hole outside the town of ad-War. Here is a Google Map.
Bush: Thanks!
Moore: Also, there are no weapons of mass destruction.
Bush: Turds!

Moore, McClellin, and Moniz hop in the time desk. They are transported to 1975 and Bill Gates's garage.

Moore: Hey Bill Gates, try re-routing the motherboard through the circuit connector. Also - and hear me out on this - Microsoft Word paper clip help guy. Trust me.

Moore, McClellin, and Moniz hop in the time desk.

Moniz: Where's that pale, slightly Asperger's kid?
McClellin: Oh great. I think we left him at the Battle of Little Bighorn.

They are transported back to 1876 and the Battle of Little Bighorn.

OBNUG: Oh hey guys. I've been looking all over for you. Also, I think I introduced influenza to the Native Americans.

Moore, McClellin, Moniz, and OBNUG hop in the time desk. They are transported to 1589 to the cottage of William Shakespeare.

Moore: You should have Romeo and Juliet commit fake-murder / suicide / suicide.
Shakespeare: That doesn't make any -- oh man, oh man, oh man. This is going to be awesome!

Moore, McClellin, Moniz, and OBNUG hop in the time desk. They are transported back to present-day Boise, Idaho.

Moniz: Wow, what a trip. I have learned so much. Thank you, Kellen Moore and Shea McClellin.
McClellin: No problem.
Moore: You're welcome.
OBNUG: It was my pleasure.
Moniz: Yeah, I still don't know who you are.
Moore: How do you feel now?
Moniz: You know, things are going to be okay. I've learned that Hawaii football will never be as good as Boise State football, and that's just the way the world has always been. I'm excited to help the Rams for two quarters of meaningless preseason games. I'm looking forward to having a sandwich named after me. Stephen Tsai seems cool.

David Augusto enters.

David Augusto: I taught him everything he knows!

David Augusto cuts a lock of Kellen Moore's hair. David August leaves.

Moniz: And if I ever get bummed out again, I know I can just take the time desk for a spin to cheer up.
Moore: Actually, I'm going to have to destroy it. It is too powerful of a tool. And Greg McMackin spilled Diet Coke all over it.

Kellen Moore pulls out a Harry Potter wand, says a spell, and the time desk explodes into a million expandable shoes for African orphans. Double rainbow.

Moniz and the Hawaii football team leave the stadium and head back home. They finish the year 10-3 and win the Hawaii Bowl. Bryant Moniz is drafted by the Rams and released in the preseason. He and Colt Brennan start a father-son folk band. Timmy Chang occasionally fills in on banjo.

This content was not created by OBNUG and therefore may not meet our standards. On the contrary, it probably exceeds them.

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