ESPN's talking heads find solace in ignorance

Special thanks to reader VAC for sending in this fictional tale of his non-BCS conversation with Chris Fowler, Mark May, and Craig James that quickly devolved into ignorant and prejudiced non-BCS name-calling. At least, we think it's fictional. We can actually picture these guys saying some of these things in real life.

GameDay unplugged

So Chris, I saw that you voted an undefeated Ball State 25th in the AP poll. You really don’t think that the Cardinals can beat any of those 8-4 ACC or Big East teams?

Chris Fowler: Ball State ... are they the ones with the blue turf?

Never mind. Hey Mark, who you got representing in the BCS at large spot: Ohio State or Boise State?

James: Laughing. Good one.

May: Boise State over THE Ohio State University? That is a good one.

A 9th ranked 12-0 team versus a 10-2 squad? Boise State seems like a solid choice.

May: Well, if you look at the body of work offered by OSU you can…

James: (Raising his drink) Body of work!

Fowler: (Raising his glass and clinking it to James' and then to May's) Body of work!

May: Body of work!

All three down their drinks.

May: As I was saying, if you look at the body of work offered by Ohio State, their schedule, and the level of competition they play week in and week out, you have to reward them over a Boise State.

But OSU has played three non-BCS schools and went 1-2 against ranked opponents.

May: Yes, but USC was on the road. It’s extremely difficult to beat a ranked team on the road.

James: Very difficult.

I see, and OSU’s loss to Penn State at home?

May: Again, it’s really, really difficult to go on the road and beat a ranked opponent.

Huh?

James: Look, any team that plays good teams week in and week out is who you have to reward in these situations. Ball State doesn’t play anyone. Their body of work just doesn’t measure up.

Huh? I was talking about Boise State.

May: Laughing. Yeah, Pitt killed them.

Fowler: I think that was Buffalo.

May: What?

Fowler: Ball State is undefeated. I think you meant that Pitt beat Buffalo.

May: Whatever, it’s all the same when it comes to the WAC.

Fowler: Actually I think they play in the MAC.

May: WAC, MAC, who gives a crap.

James: (Raising his glass) Crap!

Fowler: (Raising his glass) Crap!

(Clink. Clink. Clink.)

Getting back to Boise State, what about their win over 17th ranked Oregon in Eugene? You were saying something about winning on the road?

Fowler: Well the Pac-10 is down this year… er, except for USC.

May: Yes, USC is an extremely good football team even though the Pac-10 conference is terrible right now.

Don’t both the Big Ten and Pac-10 have three teams in the top 25 right now?

Awkward silence.

James: Look, no one wants to see Ball Sate play in a BCS bowl!

Huh? Who said anything about Ball Sta…

James: (Motioning to the waitress) Can we get another round here!

So Mark, you are saying with USC that it’s possible to be a really good team in a bad conference. Can the same thing be said about Boise State?

May: No.

James: No.

Fowler: Sorry, I wasn't listening.

I was saying that the combined record of Ohio State’s unranked competition is 46 wins and 49 losses. Is that really what you consider a strong "body of work"?

May: Look, you have to reward teams that play week in and week out.

And by "play" you mean?

James: Play! Play!

May: Yes, play. (Raising glass)

Fowler: (Raising glass) Play!

Everyone drinks to "playing."

Fowler: There is something to be said for teams that play week in and week out. You know, great teams take care of business every week.

Mark and Craig shoot Fowler an anxious glance.

"Take care of business?" Do you mean win games that they should, like against Ole Miss at home, or Stanford, or Iowa? Or, do you mean stay focused, even against the Ohio Universities and the Appalachian States of the World?

James: Sheesh! Look, as soon as you accept that a mid-major school cannot compete with a BCS school on the football field you’ll understand what we are saying. The fan base, stadium size, tradition, level of athletes, boosters… there is just no way that a Ball State is ever going to win a BCS game.

We were talking about Boise Sta…

May: (Interjecting) When it comes to football, there is just way too much speed and depth at every position in the BCS for a mid-major to ever compete.

James: (Raising his glass) Speed!

Fowler: (Raising his glass) Depth!

May: (Raising his glass) Alcoholism!

Everyone drinks.

Well, if that is true then why does Miami suck?

May: Ahhhhh…

James: (To waitress) Check please!